Amazing! This neurotypical woman can assess your support needs from just your profile picture
A non-autistic woman has wowed experts with her uncanny ability to decipher exactly how disabled you are based solely on your online presence. Karen Hoyland, 48, only has to glance at your profile image and a handful of posts in order to declare you “very...
Chosen! Safest-looking colleague at team meeting receives staring of a lifetime
The colleague in your team meeting who happens to have the most sympathetic face is about to be stared at so intensely they will likely conclude that you’re in love with them, it has been announced. Miya Wilkes, 34, whose eyes positively twinkle with empathy...
Kids think they’re autistic because of social contagion, says mum who wants hers to catch measles
Children are catching autism from other kids, according to a mother who took her own offspring to a measles party. Karen Hoyland, 35, who believes both vaccines and having friends cause autism, actively encourages her six-year-old son Finley to get potentially deadly measles for reasons...
Autistic writer upset they can’t submit second draft of conversation
An autistic writer has reportedly been left “frustrated” that they are unable to submit the second draft of the very stupid thing they just said in casual conversation. Jay Chester, 48, who regularly puts their foot in their mouth during routine social interactions, often redrafts...
Autistic woman struggles to define ‘sexually active’ without massively telling on herself
An autistic woman asked by her doctor whether she is sexually active reportedly has no idea how to answer the question without detailing her entire sexual history. Alma Montague, 30, was seeing doctor Christine Smout, 49, for a checkup when she was ambushed with the...
Autistic woman sets new world record in running from demands
An autistic woman has set a new world record for speed in avoiding all direct requests made of her, it has been reported. Ffiona Maw, 29, has managed to successively run away from all tasks that have been required from her since 2011 – including...
Dentists weigh in: “You’re autistic because you don’t floss”
Dentists have spoken out against the myth that vaccines cause autism, instead claiming that a lack of flossing is to blame. Eli Port, 43, made the connection when they realised that none of their autistic patients were regular flossers – and swiftly published a paper...
Autism assessment mostly based on vibes, admits therapist
Your autism assessor diagnosed you the second you walked into her office, tearfully fidgeting with your neon pink hair, it has been rumoured. Clinical psychologist Tricia Squire, 45, has admitted that she took one look at your whole deal and was like “well, let’s go...
Romanticist? This autistic woman just applied for disability benefits
An autistic woman who applied for a government disability benefit is trying not to think about the fact the very idea is just a stab in the dark, reports have confirmed. Miya Wilkes, 33, from Walton, fantasises about having her lifelong struggles affirmed by a...
Autistic woman suspects baby didn’t actually write in her birthday card
An autistic woman has begun to question whether her eight-month-old nephew actually wrote a message in her birthday card, it has been reported. The message addressed to Karen Hoyland, 25, reads, “Happy birthday Aunty Karen! Lots of love from Finley”. Despite his father’s insistence, Hoyland...
