“Burned out” autistic woman just on hiatus
An autistic woman who has paused all her life activities in order to lie in bed, catatonic, has announced that this is simply a break in production. Star of The Paige Thomas Show, Paige Thomas, 29, whose series unexpectedly went off-air mid-season, has promised that...
She comes apart! This autistic woman’s joints pop out like Betty Spaghetty
An autistic woman with hypermobile joints functions just like a living, breathing Betty Spaghetty doll, it has been reported. Natasha Weaving, 32, boasts the unique ability to partially dislocate her arms, legs, elbow and shoulder at any time of the day, with painful yet ultimately...
Comforting! Autistic woman’s safe food slowly killing her
An autistic woman’s supposed “safe food” is gradually leading to her demise, according to reports. Paige Thomas, 28, constantly falls asleep at her desk, develops a new illness every other week and is deficient in vitamins from A all the way down to Z –...
Expert! GP who did six years of medical school suggests mindful colouring
A general practitioner who went to medical school for six years now treats anxiety by prescribing a mindful colouring book and box of crayons, sources have reported. Dr. Graeme Hart, who paid almost £125k for his training, really thinks you’d benefit from scribbling on this...
Wes Streeting pledges to tackle mental health crisis with “a net and a gun”
Speaking at a press conference earlier today, the health secretary Wes Streeting announced his radical new plan to reduce government spending. Streeting, described by late journalist Dawn Foster as a “lickspittle Tory cunt”, took to the podium wearing a tweed suit, deerstalker, and carrying an...
Autistic woman in need of therapy as long as she continues having parents
An autistic woman is expected to need therapy for as long as she continues having parents, it has been reported. Ellie Mulligan, 29, has been going to therapy ever since she learned that other people don’t feel terrible all the time. Although she has made...
Boss! Autistic woman smashing work goals rewarded with burnout
An autistic woman has smashed the glass ceiling only to become too fucking exhausted to reap any of the rewards, it has been confirmed. Beth Hapworth, 32, spent her entire 20s grafting, hustling and girl-bossing her way through her event photography career only to find...
Autistic woman will definitely book ADHD assessment at some point
An autistic woman unsure if she also has ADHD has announced plans to try to get assessed at some vague, indeterminate point in the future. Emma Bernard, 34, who exhibits a lot of ADHD traits, is absolutely planning to contact the GP, advocate for herself,...
Lifesaver! Woman donates autism to seriously neurotypical mother
A woman has reportedly given her seriously neurotypical mother the ultimate gift – the gift of autism. According to sources, Natasha Weaving, 33, from Stafford, couldn’t bear to see her mother Olivia Buckingham, 63, struggling with her neurotypical brain and so generously shared her own...
Autistic women “chameleon-like” due to their long sticky tongues, say experts
Autistic women are indeed like “chameleons” but for rather different reasons than initially thought, experts have discovered. The average autistic woman is believed to have a tongue length of at least 10 to 12 feet, roughly twice the length of their body, and is thought...
