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    Friendships, Health, News

    Dinner host wishing they’d never asked for your dietary requirements  

    A friend who invited you over for dinner now wishes they’d never asked for your dietary requirements, met you, or been born, it has been rumoured.  Olivia Buckingham, 32, who just thought it would be nice to have you over for a catch-up, reportedly didn’t...
    Sara Gibbs, 2 months ago 1 min read  
    Health, News

    Neurotypical ally clarifies: “RFK Jr. doesn’t mean YOU” 

    A non-autistic ally reportedly thinks it’s vital that you understand that when RFK Jr. gets eugenicsy about autism, he means those other ones – not you.  Karen Hoyland, 60, wants to reassure you that you have nothing to worry about when it comes to the...
    Sara Gibbs, 2 months ago 1 min read  
    Health, News

    Autistic woman’s quarterly rebrand just same old suffering with new haircut 

    An autistic woman’s quarterly rebrand has failed to alter her miserable existence apart from making her hair look slightly different, eyewitnesses have claimed. Pippa Durham, 33, who experiences the urge to become a completely different person every three months, genuinely thought she could overhaul her...
    Sarah Amero, 3 months ago 1 min read  
    Health, News

    “Burned out” autistic woman just on hiatus  

    An autistic woman who has paused all her life activities in order to lie in bed, catatonic, has announced that this is simply a break in production.  Star of The Paige Thomas Show, Paige Thomas, 29, whose series unexpectedly went off-air mid-season, has promised that...
    Sara Gibbs, 3 months ago 1 min read  
    Health, News

    She comes apart! This autistic woman’s joints pop out like Betty Spaghetty 

    An autistic woman with hypermobile joints functions just like a living, breathing Betty Spaghetty doll, it has been reported. Natasha Weaving, 32, boasts the unique ability to partially dislocate her arms, legs, elbow and shoulder at any time of the day, with painful yet ultimately...
    Elsa Williams, 3 months ago 1 min read  
    Health, News

    Comforting! Autistic woman’s safe food slowly killing her 

    An autistic woman’s supposed “safe food” is gradually leading to her demise, according to reports. Paige Thomas, 28, constantly falls asleep at her desk, develops a new illness every other week and is deficient in vitamins from A all the way down to Z –...
    Elsa Williams, 3 months ago 1 min read  
    Health, News

    Expert! GP who did six years of medical school suggests mindful colouring  

    A general practitioner who went to medical school for six years now treats anxiety by prescribing a mindful colouring book and box of crayons, sources have reported.  Dr. Graeme Hart, who paid almost £125k for his training, really thinks you’d benefit from scribbling on this...
    Sara Gibbs, 3 months ago 1 min read  
    Health, News

    Wes Streeting pledges to tackle mental health crisis with “a net and a gun” 

    Speaking at a press conference earlier today, the health secretary Wes Streeting announced his radical new plan to reduce government spending. Streeting, described by late journalist Dawn Foster as a “lickspittle Tory cunt”, took to the podium wearing a tweed suit, deerstalker, and carrying an...
    Guy Kelly, 3 months ago 2 min read  
    Family, Health, News

    Autistic woman in need of therapy as long as she continues having parents 

    An autistic woman is expected to need therapy for as long as she continues having parents, it has been reported. Ellie Mulligan, 29, has been going to therapy ever since she learned that other people don’t feel terrible all the time. Although she has made...
    Sarah Amero, 3 months ago 2 min read  
    Health, News, Work

    Boss! Autistic woman smashing work goals rewarded with burnout  

    An autistic woman has smashed the glass ceiling only to become too fucking exhausted to reap any of the rewards, it has been confirmed. Beth Hapworth, 32, spent her entire 20s grafting, hustling and girl-bossing her way through her event photography career only to find...
    Sara Gibbs, 3 months ago 1 min read  
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