Country with bullet vending machines makes preventing autism a priority
Headline by Sarah Amero A country that distributes bullets like they’re chocolate bars has decided that eradicating autism is one of its top priorities, it has been reported. The USA, where you can pick up eggs, milk and lethal ammunition in the same supermarket run,...
Noise of extractor fan caused by devil grinding his toenails
Your kitchen cooker has been fitted with a small demon who is responsible for taking the smoky air out of the room and replacing it with the worst sound imaginable, sources have revealed. While feasting on smoke and cooking smells, the horrid little gremlin pares...
Autistic woman’s one healthy food choice to justify many, many unhealthy ones
An autistic woman has announced plans to use her one healthy snack choice to “offset” her evening of eating junk food. Merve Öztürk, 25, who just begrudgingly ate one carrot, is now allowed to eat whatever the fuck she wants, because that’s definitely how nutrition...
Experts reveal the causes of Daily Mail readership and how to avoid them
In an announcement that has stunned the nation’s right-wing dickheads, experts have vowed to identify the causes of reading The Daily Mail by the end of the month. The collection of words and pictures, which technically qualifies as a “newspaper” despite containing more shrieking than...
Dentist forced to remind sobbing autistic woman that having a cavity is not a moral failing
An autistic woman was today rendered inconsolable at a routine dental checkup by the assessment and diagnosis of a small cavity that may require a filling. Dental hygienist Karen Hoyland, 34, delivered the devastating news with her standard chipper nonchalance but was shocked and disturbed...
Original Odd Couple? Autism and ADHD forced to cohabit in same person
An AuDHD man has become the battleground for an escalating series of tense arguments after his autism and ADHD started sharing the same space, it has been reported. Lloyd’s Autism, 37, and Lloyd’s ADHD, 37, both of Lloyd Didcot, 37, had been acquaintances for many...
Chronically ill autistic woman officially on enough meds to open underground pharmacy
A chronically ill autistic woman is officially on enough medication to start a lucrative side hustle, it has been revealed. Alma Montague, 39, who has so many comorbidities she can sing their acronyms to the tune of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, realised recently that she now owns so...
Why do you ask? Hypermobile woman IS comfortable sitting like that
A hypermobile autistic woman is reportedly perfectly comfortable sitting like her legs are on backwards, why do you ask? Krista Shure, 44, who eyewitnesses claim has the flexibility of a newborn infant, told reporters she has “no idea” why people keep asking if she’s OK...
Autistic woman experiencing flare up of chronic special interest
An autistic woman is experiencing a severe episode of a debilitating long-term special interest, sources have revealed. Megan Aldrich, 47, has lived with a life-altering obsession with the detective novelist Agatha Christie since she was seven years old, but until recently believed she had the...
Essential oils fail to cure child’s autism, succeed in making her smell like cat piss
A mother’s attempt to cure her child’s autism using essential oils has only resulted in making her smell as if a cat has urinated all over her, witnesses have claimed. Ellie Mulligan, seven, had just gotten ready for school when her mother smeared her with...
