An autistic woman’s crush demon has forced her to begin horrible dating again, it has been confirmed. 

Kelsey Dacey, 25, who recently had her heart broken by the last mediocre guy she projected an entire personality onto, is not ready to meet someone new – but try telling that to the thirsty hell beast that inhabits her body. 

Dacey’s crush demon said: “I own you, bitch. Now let’s find a completely average guy with just enough of a sense of humour to respond ‘haha’ to your funny messages so you think he’s hilarious.”

The crush demon continued: “I’ve taken the liberty of making a playlist of your favourite songs to ruin by listening to them while fantasising about him.”

Local shithead, Eddie Albington, 28, said: “Kelsey’s been paying me a lot of attention lately. I think I’m in there.”

Dacey’s crush demon responded: “Muahahahahaha”.

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