An autistic woman who stays up to date with current affairs still remains convinced that she’s worse than anyone in the world, sources have reported.

Navya Randhawa, 40, keeps abreast of the horror show that is the present-day news cycle, and regularly reads about the exploits of the most evil people in the world committing egregious human rights violations, but still thinks she doesn’t deserve happiness because she forgets to thank the bus driver sometimes.

Randhawa said: “You don’t understand. I am fundamentally a shitty person at the core, even if you can’t see it. I share the planet with fascists, murderers and war criminals, but I still suck because I’m not living up to the standard of moral purity my 17-year-old self aspired to.”

“Dickhead Jones the Third displaced several rural communities last week just so he could frack without having to look at poor people,” she continued. “But I accidentally threw the wrong part of my coffee cup in the recycling this morning. That lid should have gone in the bin. You can’t recycle the lids. I’ve basically kicked my own future grandchildren in the face.”

“I persist in attempting to be a good person despite my human failings. But the fact I can’t do it perfectly all the time means I might as well call myself Dickhead Jones the Fourth.”

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