An autistic woman being shown all the lives she has touched reportedly remains unconvinced that life is, has been or will ever be “wonderful”.

40-year-old Ima Onwugbenu, who had reportedly been feeling “like hot garbage”, was visited by an angel who showed her what the world would be like if she didn’t exist – which Onwugbenu says “seemed alright, actually.”

Onwugbenu said: “First, the angel took me to witness my family having dinner. They were all being dicks as usual, but there was no right-on feminist killjoy to take them to task on all of their shitty opinions. To be honest, they actually seemed pretty happy. Part of me thought it’d be a shame to kill their buzz.”

“Then we went to my crochet group, and everyone was being woefully normal about arts and crafts. I don’t know exactly how to describe it, but the vibe was considerably more… heterosexual without me. Maybe this is how people are supposed to feel about wool?”

“We ended with a visit to my old primary school, where the children were sadly at a loss as to who to bully.”

“I’m not here to touch lives,” Onwugbenu added. “I’m here because my parents decided to get together and create the perfect supervillain.”

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