An autistic child prodigy has successfully learned six languages, commenced his studies at NASA and inspired middle-aged Facebook aunts everywhere – and totally owned his comparatively mediocre sister, sources have said.

Parents Karen and Robert Hapworth, had reportedly dreamed of having a little prodigy to call their own, and worried that their daughter Beth, now eight, would be ineligible for autism on account of being a girl. Beth’s eventual diagnosis was soon eclipsed by the arrival of second child Finley, now four – whose first words were “Oh, God, Mother, turn this off. No one wants to watch The Big Bang Theory”.

Robert Hapworth, 40, commented: “Finley’s our miracle child. Way better than the last one. I mean, what’s the point in my wife taking all that Tylenol if our kid’s not gonna be dunking on all the other toddlers?”

“Sadly, Beth’s got a type of autism that isn’t cute, but will probably get her a decent job in tech later down the line. Thank goodness we had a son who put savanthood back on the table.”

Rather than choosing to have a more lucrative and intellectually exciting hyper-fixation, Beth Hapworth has reportedly chosen the 70-year-old guitarist of a now-disbanded 1970’s punk group. She said: “Did you know that Michael Geoffrey Jones once fell into a large crate of oranges and had to have all his teeth removed when he was a child? He was also a massive fan of The Flintstones.”

Finley Hapworth could not be reached for comment as he was being driven to Harvard to announce the cure for cancer.

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