They didn’t have autism in my day, says man unaware he had autism in his day
A man who claims that nobody had autism “in his day” is reportedly unaware that he both had autism in his day and that the sun has not yet set on his day. Gavin Monks, 65 – who books his car in for regular services...
Science! Autistic person discovers solving one anxiety spawns 14 new ones
An autistic person has made the groundbreaking discovery that resolving the source of one anxiety causes at least 14 new ones to pop up, like adding water to a Gremlin, it has been announced. Eli Port, 41, made the breakthrough after their boss asking them...
Autistic woman totally dyes hair blue to piss off incels
An autistic woman has revealed that she mostly dyes her hair blue in order to annoy basement-dwelling dweebs who think women can’t be autistic. Niamh Callaghan, 27, reportedly likes her blue hair, but not as much as she likes being the physical manifestation of an...
I changed your safe food recipe, admits Satan
The devil has admitted that he quietly changed the standard recipe of your favourite ready meal just to ruin your life. In a statement released today, Lucifer, 13.7 billion, took responsibility for turning your delicious, creamy mac and cheese with a sexy golden brown crust...
Gen X autistic woman has rare triple invisibility
Headline by Andrew Hickey An autistic woman born in 1975 has been diagnosed with the rare comborbid condition of being invisible three times over, it has been reported. Paula Mulberry, 49, used to be a fully corporeal human being, but since turning 40 has slowly...
Autistic woman who followed your profile by accident now in it for life
An autistic woman who accidentally clicked “follow” on your social media profile will never, ever, ever be able to bring herself to unfollow you, it has been rumoured. According to sources, Siobhan Moorton, 36, doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, despite having no connection to...
Tragic! Autistic child will never be given chance to bully
An autistic child will never know the joy of being mean to someone for absolutely no reason, therapists have said. Seven-year-old Mary Walker has all the wit, bluntness and evil instincts of a top-tier bully, but experts say she is unlikely to ever fulfil her...
I’ll call you later, friend threatens
Your friend has threatened to call you on the telephone at an indeterminate point in the future, reports have claimed. “Friend” Kelsey Dacey, 36, reportedly issued the threat to call you “for a bit of a natter”, in what sources are calling “a naked act...
AuDHD woman enjoying Googling show more than watching it
An AuDHD woman is having a much better time looking up facts about the show she’s watching than she would if she was actually watching it, it has been rumoured. Kelsey Dacey, 28, reportedly watched the first five minutes of Severance, but immediately got distracted...
Autistic person who doesn’t normally go for conspiracy theories approves of Starmer’s plan to dim sun
An autistic person who would usually be the first to debunk conspiracy theories would actually be curious to hear more about Keir Starmer’s plan to dim the sun, sources have claimed. Neuroscientist Jay Chester, 38, is reportedly quick to point out the logical flaws inherent...
