Autistic person unsure when they became office therapist
An autistic person is unsure when it became standard practice for their colleagues to come to their office for a good cry, sources have confirmed. Paige Thomas, 29, had initially thought their admin job entailed admin-related tasks – but quickly discovered they were wrong. They...
Autistic woman disappears into T-shirt after receiving compliment
Concerns are growing for the well-being of an autistic woman who hasn’t been seen since she received a glowing compliment last week, emergency services have said. Barista Beth Hapworth, 22, claimed to receive the compliment while on shift at an independent coffee shop in Manchester,...
Uh-oh! Autistic person’s face about to say what they actually think
An autistic person who hates conflict is about to accidentally incite it by blurting out their true feelings, it has been reported. Emma Bernard, 25, hasn’t planned to start any beef – but now you’ve said that utterly ludicrous thing, their face is about to...
“We want the best for them” say anti-vaxxers who named kids Meadow and Sunbeam
A couple who are afraid vaccines will give their children autism, causing them to have a harder time in life, has also given them both really fucking silly names, it has been confirmed. Karen and Graeme Hoyland, both 43, who are terrified their children will...
Therapy cat would eat you if it was bigger
Your therapy cat is only settling for snuggling with you because you are too large to be a small prey item, it has been confirmed. A spokesperson for The Itty Bitty Kitty Committee, Lemon, said: “What you call kisses is me trying to tenderise you.”...
I unmasked my autism and found out I was five raccoons in an overcoat
Ever since my autism diagnosis six years ago, I’ve struggled with my identity. After years of masking my autistic traits, I wasn’t even sure who I really was underneath it all. It’s taken many years and a lot of therapy, but I’ve finally stopped camouflaging...
On fleek! Woman who’s a decade behind pop culture bang on autism trend
A woman who is consistently between nine and 13 years behind the zeitgeist has somehow managed to be way ahead of the autism trend, it has been reported. Ellie Mulligan, 30 – who has just discovered “this band called Haim” – has been autistic since...
Inspirational! Severely depressed autistic woman now slightly less depressed
An autistic woman has been hailed online as “an inspiration” after going from very severely depressed to slightly less depressed, it has been reported. Ellie Mulligan, 28, who has been suffering from a clinical depressive episode for several months, is reported to have both brushed...
Boyfriend chewing again
An autistic woman’s boyfriend is chewing very, very loudly, sources have confirmed. Beth Hapworth, 29, has been shooting murderous glares at her boyfriend of two years, Gavin Monks, 28, ever since he opened that bag of tortilla chips. She said: “If I took a pillow...
Autistic woman cuts out middle man by gaslighting herself
An autistic woman who is constantly being gaslit has decided to streamline things by simply making herself doubt her own sanity, sources have confirmed. Paige Thomas, 41, who has spent the last four decades being told by family, colleagues and boyfriends that she’s imagining things,...
