Exposed! Athletic people faking it for attention
People claiming to have athleticism are just putting it on for attention, an investigation by The Daily Tism can reveal. Undercover journalist Paige Thomas, 37, said: “Initially our reporters attempted an undercover operation to test our hypothesis that people with athleticism are big stupid fakers...
Trauma! “Polite” autistic woman just terrified of you
An autistic woman with impeccable manners is actually just petrified of displeasing you, it has been confirmed. Emma Bernard, 30, who is often complimented on her friendly demeanour and effusive expressions of gratitude, has attributed her politeness to an extreme fawning response. Bernard said: “Honestly...
Report: Autistic woman really just going to keep on dating the guy she wishes he was, huh
An autistic woman has made the bold decision to keep dating the impressive man she wishes he was, instead of the horrid little worm boy he actually is, it has been announced. Sarah Harrow, 27, first fell for Dexter Livingstone, 31, after he initially presented...
Report: Autistic woman COULD try a little harder! Thanks!
An autistic woman has admitted that actually yeah, she probably isn’t trying hard enough, now that you mention it, it has been announced. In a statement released today, Alma Montague, 33, thanked you for your unsolicited advice about the amount of effort she could be...
“If only we could tell what people with autism were thinking” says researcher with fingers in ears
An autism researcher who believes it is “impossible to know what people with autism are thinking” also stuffs her ears with whatever she has handy whenever she actually encounters an autistic person, it has been revealed. Dr. Karen Hoyland has gone to extreme lengths to...
Fraud! Autistic woman’s brain writing cheques her body can’t cash
An autistic woman has been accused of fraud following reports of her emotional and energetic cheques bouncing, authorities have stated. Lottie Fitzgerald, 34, is due to appear in court later this month charged with “displaying unreasonable optimism with no basis in precedent”, as well as...
Autistic woman finally hands herself in for shoplifting that metallic blue nail polish in 1997
An autistic woman has turned herself in to the authorities after years on the run following a shoplifting incident in the late 1990s, police have confirmed. Kelsey Dacey, 37, told reporters that she has spent the better part of three decades “looking over her shoulder”...
“You can unmask with me” says neurotypical who doesn’t realise you’re feral
A non-autistic friend who wants you to feel safe to unmask with them has no idea what they’re saying, it has been confirmed. Eli Port, 44, would like you to be comfortable enough to be your true self – but is reportedly unaware that your...
Autistic man humblebragging forgets to do the “humble” part
An autistic man attempting to slip a sneaky little brag into an otherwise self-deprecating statement has completely fucked it, it has been confirmed. Gavin Monks, 45, reportedly intended to do a thing he’d read about called “humblebragging”, but instead skipped straight to the bragging bit....
Uh oh! AuDHD man finds someone polite enough to be captive audience
An AuDHD man is reportedly “chewing the ear off” a new acquaintance who’s too nice to simply wander off like everybody else does. Mac Wheatley, 38, was delighted to find himself seated next to Anand Trivedi, 46, at a mutual friend’s wedding, after Trivedi proved...
