Weird! Autistic woman’s pattern spotting fails to detect shit boyfriend
An autistic woman who can predict complex sociological behaviours based on historical patterns is mysteriously unable to turn this ability on her boyfriend. Paige Thomas, 28, can analyse large amounts of data to perfectly predict wars, elections and winners of Strictly. Yet despite boyfriend Dexter...
Autistic friendship basically if your therapist had no boundaries
A friendship between two autistic women has been described as “basically really amazing therapy but without the pesky boundaries,” sources have revealed. Paige Thomas, 27 and Beth Hapworth, 36, have been close friends ever since they hit it off in a Facebook group for autistic...
Man upset to discover manic pixie dream girl just regular autistic woman
A man who thought his quirky girlfriend would magically fix all his debilitating personal issues has been left “hurt and disappointed” after she transpired to be an ordinary autistic woman, it has been rumoured. Robert Noot, 29, was first attracted to Kelsey Dacey, 26, due...
Autism researchers to begin simply peering through people’s windows
Autism researchers have decided to drop any pretence of adhering to scientific or ethical methodology and are to begin simply peering through autistic people’s windows, it has been revealed. Project leader Dr. Karen Hoyland PhD said: “There is only so much we’ve been able to...
Autistic woman proud of massive poo
An autistic woman is celebrating Autistic Pride Day by telling everyone who’ll listen about this morning’s giant dump, it has been rumoured. Paige Thomas, 29, said: “It’s been a bit of a rubbish year and I was worried I wouldn’t have anything to shout about...
Autistic child’s career prospects “greatly improved” by parents posting meltdowns online
An autistic child has issued a statement thanking his parents for increasing his future employment prospects by constantly posting videos of his most vulnerable and private moments on the Internet. Finley Rice, seven, said: “My parents have been working tirelessly to build me a brand...
New diagnostic test to determine if you’re enough like autistic nephew
Scientists have announced that a brand-new autism scale will measure if patients are enough like this random woman’s nephew with autism. The new criteria will determine if patients sufficiently resemble six-year-old Finley Rice from Kent, who loves monster trucks and fart jokes. His aunt, Dr....
“Why is no one hitting on me?” asks woman who never leaves house
An autistic woman has lamented the dearth of dating opportunities in her own living room, sources have revealed. Paige Thomas, 32, who exclusively leaves her house for unavoidable medical appointments, is said to be “demoralised” by the lack of romantic interest she is receiving. Thomas...
Autistics to Highly Sensitive People: “you’re next”
Autistics have been staring at Highly Sensitive People like the bloodthirsty kids in Children of the Corn, sources have claimed. The phenomenon has grown as self-described HSPS have listed every autistic trait in the DSM-5 – but have insisted they’re just empaths who absorb the...
Autistic woman requests legally binding friendship contract
An autistic woman embarking upon a new friendship has asked for the terms to be clearly dictated in a legally binding document, it has been reported. Paige Thomas, 24, agreed to an invitation for a drink after work with colleague Avery Mann, 25 – just...
