Autistics to host Trauma Olympics
Excitement is building worldwide as autistic people everywhere begin the countdown to hosting the Trauma Olympics. The games, which rely on contestants getting the lowest possible scores, will see autistic people compete to ultimately see who is the most traumatised. Spokesperson for autistic people, Paige...
AuDHD person to spend lovely five minutes with new AirPods
An auDHD person has announced plans to spends a blissful five minutes with their new AirPods before they disappear forever. Eddie Albington, 38, paid £129 for the microscopically tiny headphones that aren’t attached to anything in what sources are calling “a fit of optimism.” Friend...
Study suggests autism can be reversed by just shoving kids back up there
Autism can be reversed by simply turning around and re-entering the womb, a new study has revealed. The study, conducted on triplets in America, discovered that autism could become “reduced to an indistinguishable level” if children with autism are willing to go through what researchers...
Autistic woman “not qualified” to diagnose own personality, say experts
A woman who identifies with every element of the autistic experience based on a lifetime of living in her own brain and body is “not qualified” to say she’s actually autistic, experts have claimed. Paige Thomas, 38, who has extreme sensory aversions, is exhausted by...
Autistic person unsure when they became office therapist
An autistic person is unsure when it became standard practice for their colleagues to come to their office for a good cry, sources have confirmed. Paige Thomas, 29, had initially thought their admin job entailed admin-related tasks – but quickly discovered they were wrong. They...
Autistic woman disappears into T-shirt after receiving compliment
Concerns are growing for the well-being of an autistic woman who hasn’t been seen since she received a glowing compliment last week, emergency services have said. Barista Beth Hapworth, 22, claimed to receive the compliment while on shift at an independent coffee shop in Manchester,...
Uh-oh! Autistic person’s face about to say what they actually think
An autistic person who hates conflict is about to accidentally incite it by blurting out their true feelings, it has been reported. Emma Bernard, 25, hasn’t planned to start any beef – but now you’ve said that utterly ludicrous thing, their face is about to...
“We want the best for them” say anti-vaxxers who named kids Meadow and Sunbeam
A couple who are afraid vaccines will give their children autism, causing them to have a harder time in life, has also given them both really fucking silly names, it has been confirmed. Karen and Graeme Hoyland, both 43, who are terrified their children will...
Therapy cat would eat you if it was bigger
Your therapy cat is only settling for snuggling with you because you are too large to be a small prey item, it has been confirmed. A spokesperson for The Itty Bitty Kitty Committee, Lemon, said: “What you call kisses is me trying to tenderise you.”...
I unmasked my autism and found out I was five raccoons in an overcoat
Ever since my autism diagnosis six years ago, I’ve struggled with my identity. After years of masking my autistic traits, I wasn’t even sure who I really was underneath it all. It’s taken many years and a lot of therapy, but I’ve finally stopped camouflaging...
