Poly woman really not trying to fuck you
An autistic woman who just told you she’s polyamorous has absolutely no interest in banging you, so chill the fuck out, sources have revealed. Sarah Harrow, 27, who currently has two romantic partners and the busiest effing iPhone calendar you’ve ever seen, not only doesn’t...
Autistics ready to garrotte next person who says “lovely weather we’re having”
Autistic people everywhere are ready to punish the next person who comments on how great the horrible sunshine is by strangling them with electrical cord, it has been rumoured. Autistic people said: “The sun is so bright – I can’t leave the house without feeling...
Savant! Woman’s autistic superpower is reciting entirety of 1998’s The Parent Trap
A Manchester woman has wowed onlookers by revealing that her autistic superpower is the ability to recite the entirety of Lindsay Lohan’s 1998 film, The Parent Trap, complete with hammy accents and elaborate secret handshake, it has been reported. Krista Shure, 35, was delivering a...
Whoops! Autistic woman subconsciously plagiarised entire personality
An autistic woman has woken up at 2am having suddenly realised why her whole deal feels horribly familiar, reports have indicated. Sarah Harrow, 24, who had begun to notice a strange sense of unease whenever she said or did things, initially thought she was experiencing...
Weird! Autistic woman’s pattern spotting fails to detect shit boyfriend
An autistic woman who can predict complex sociological behaviours based on historical patterns is mysteriously unable to turn this ability on her boyfriend. Paige Thomas, 28, can analyse large amounts of data to perfectly predict wars, elections and winners of Strictly. Yet despite boyfriend Dexter...
Autistic friendship basically if your therapist had no boundaries
A friendship between two autistic women has been described as “basically really amazing therapy but without the pesky boundaries,” sources have revealed. Paige Thomas, 27 and Beth Hapworth, 36, have been close friends ever since they hit it off in a Facebook group for autistic...
Man upset to discover manic pixie dream girl just regular autistic woman
A man who thought his quirky girlfriend would magically fix all his debilitating personal issues has been left “hurt and disappointed” after she transpired to be an ordinary autistic woman, it has been rumoured. Robert Noot, 29, was first attracted to Kelsey Dacey, 26, due...
Autism researchers to begin simply peering through people’s windows
Autism researchers have decided to drop any pretence of adhering to scientific or ethical methodology and are to begin simply peering through autistic people’s windows, it has been revealed. Project leader Dr. Karen Hoyland PhD said: “There is only so much we’ve been able to...
Autistic woman proud of massive poo
An autistic woman is celebrating Autistic Pride Day by telling everyone who’ll listen about this morning’s giant dump, it has been rumoured. Paige Thomas, 29, said: “It’s been a bit of a rubbish year and I was worried I wouldn’t have anything to shout about...
Autistic child’s career prospects “greatly improved” by parents posting meltdowns online
An autistic child has issued a statement thanking his parents for increasing his future employment prospects by constantly posting videos of his most vulnerable and private moments on the Internet. Finley Rice, seven, said: “My parents have been working tirelessly to build me a brand...
