“We’re all a bit autistic” says woman who doesn’t realise she’s a lot autistic
A woman who thinks “everyone’s a little bit autistic” has no idea she’s the most autistic woman to ever autism, it has been rumoured. Beth Hapworth, 45, made the claim after suggesting her autistic friend’s struggles to be “just what everyone goes through, right?” She...
Coincidence! Neurotypical woman raising awareness of autism also wants you to buy these gut vitamins
A neurotypical woman who has selflessly dedicated her life to raising awareness about autism also wouldn’t mind if you bought these gut vitamins, it has been reported. Karen Hoyland, 42, spends most of her day talking about the “devastating impact” autism has on families and...
Newly diagnosed autistic woman offered follow-up appointment with Twitter dickheads
A late-diagnosed autistic woman seeking further support has been generously offered limitless sessions on social media with some cunts, it has been reported. Paula Mulberry, 41, spent three years on an NHS waiting list before her suspicions that she might be autistic were confirmed. When...
I lived it: I disclosed my autism and now my colleague won’t stop calling me Little Buddy
This is a Vaccine Booster! A little top-up of autism that’s the whole joke. For a full dose, scroll through our main feed – and if you’re still not autistic enough, subscribe to get bonus content on Patreon.
“What if I’m not autistic?” Stresses person handing assessor 91-page dissertation about life
An autistic person is anxious that they won’t receive a formal diagnosis at their upcoming autism assessment – despite providing the psychologist with a folder the size of Tolstoy’s War and Peace. Avery Mann, 40, who was asked to give “a few examples” about their...
Non-autistic friend who cancelled plans apologises for causing untold joy
A non-autistic friend who cancelled plans is really sorry to give you five hours of your delicious routine back, it has been rumoured. Before postponing indefinitely, Kelsey Dacey, 31, was scheduled to meet you for a coffee at 11am on Saturday – at the exact...
Autistic child who “can’t express love” to parents declares undying devotion to cat
An autistic child whose parents claim is “incapable of showing affection” regularly hugs and kisses her cat, Trevor, it has been rumoured. Avery Rice, seven, was diagnosed as autistic after her parents noticed she wasn’t achieving regular milestones – such as looking them in the...
Researchers fear people with autism “may become sentient”
People with autism are showing signs that they may soon develop independent thoughts, and worse, start expressing them, researchers have said. The stark warning comes after test subjects began demonstrating likes, dislikes and even what looked like love. Autism expert, Dr. Karen Hoyland, said: “During...
“People with autism aren’t funny”, says man who still answers phone “wazzuppppppp?”
Autistic people have no sense of humour – according to a man who still answers the phone with a line from a 1999 Budweiser commercial. Graeme Hart, 45, made the pronouncement after seeing a poster for autistic comedian, Joe Wells, at the pub, prompting him...
Convenient! Shop autism hours to be held annually from 1am to 2am on Mars
Autistic people everywhere are celebrating the news that supermarkets will be holding one annual quiet shopping hour just for them – just a short rocket trip from Earth. The hour, agreed upon by all leading supermarkets, will conveniently be held between one and two in...
