Convenient! Shop autism hours to be held annually from 1am to 2am on Mars
Autistic people everywhere are celebrating the news that supermarkets will be holding one annual quiet shopping hour just for them – just a short rocket trip from Earth. The hour, agreed upon by all leading supermarkets, will conveniently be held between one and two in...
Fraud! Autistic woman forgets to clarify she can’t speak for all autistic people
An autistic woman is under fire after unloading to colleagues about her cancelled train without first making it clear that she doesn’t speak for all autistic people, it has been reported. Recruitment consultant Paige Thomas, 27, is said to have sparked complaints to HR after...
Romance! How to plan an autistic date that’ll make the neurotypicals say “n’aaaaaaaw”
If two autistic people go on a date and no neurotypicals are around to gawk at them like they’re at a petting zoo, did it even happen? Set the mood with insipid music meant for toddlers Nothing gets two autistic adults in the mood like...
Social interaction doomed to failure after dress rehearsal goes too well
An autistic man is dreading an upcoming trip to the pub after practising in the mirror went ominously well, it has been rumoured. Ryan Wilkins, 38, has been on edge about the upcoming casual beer with his university friend, Lucas Fletcher, 39, since they put...
Love rat! Autistic man cheats on long-term T-shirt
An autistic man’s T-shirt is devastated to discover that after five years of exclusivity, its owner has purchased a second one, sources have revealed. The black cotton T-shirt had recently celebrated five happy years with autistic man, Dexter Livingstone, 29, but was left “shocked and...
Hope for recently dumped autistic woman as she finally reaches ugly-sobbing-to-Taylor-Swift stage of grief
A newly dumped autistic woman’s friends have expressed optimism about her recovery, as she was overheard bawling her eyes out to the new Taylor Swift album. Paige Thomas, 25, first streamed The Tortured Poets Department LP several days after she was left by now-ex-boyfriend, Dexter...
Phew! Five illnesses to give your unvaccinated children that are WAY better than autism
As a parent it’s only natural to be concerned about that one discredited academic paper from 1998 linking vaccines to autism. On the whole, most of us would agree we’d rather have a child with a higher risk of death than one that’s kind of...
Autistic kids tricked into going trans, says woman who’s never tried to make an autistic child do anything they don’t want to
Autistic kids are being turned trans against their will, claims a woman who’s never tried to feed an autistic child a vegetable. Prominent anti-trans campaigner Karen Hoyland, 42, said: “I’m very concerned about how many trans-identified children also have autism. Children suffering from autism are...
Wow! Autistic woman hears existential howl of meaningless universe
An autistic woman’s senses are so finely attuned that she can not only hear the buzzing of electricity in the walls, but also the perpetual background-level shriek of despair emitted by the never-ending soul-sucking void that is our universe, it has been confirmed. Paula Mulberry,...
Autistic woman whose friend forgot they were meeting up has been waiting at Clapham Junction for three months
An autistic woman whose friend never showed up to their pre-arranged hangout three months ago is still waiting outside the Accessorize at Clapham Junction station ‘just in case’, it has been revealed. Sarah Harrow, 25, was due to meet Paige Thomas, 24, at 11.45am on...
