Child without autism label still autistic as fuck
A child whose parents refused to “give them the autism label” is still, inexplicably, autistic as fuck, it has been rumoured. Despite her parents declining to label her, Megan Aldrich, seven, still refuses to eat foods that are touching, smile for the camera or believe...
Autistic child trick-or-treating with blue bucket grateful to be singled out for once
An autistic boy who was given a blue bucket to trick-or-treat with to ensure everybody knows he’s different is just grateful to be singled out for once, his parents have said. Finley Rice, seven, had merely planned to put on a Batman costume and go...
Scary? Autistic man’s favourite porno is A Quiet Place
An autistic man has issued a statement calling on the public not to kink shame him over his unusual choice of masturbatoy material. Onanist, Cameron Brereton, 28, explained that he has eschewed mainstream pornography in favour of the 2018 horror movie, A Quiet Place. Brereton’s...
Robbed! Autistic man’s niche Halloween costume inexplicably fails to win contest
An autistic man has demanded a recount after his hyper-specific Halloween costume failed to impress judges at a costume contest. Lloyd Didcot, 45, was reportedly “shocked and outraged” when not a single judge correctly identified that he was dressed as Paul Tanner, second trombonist in...
Boo! Ghost triggers autistic man’s RSD by heckling him
An autistic man has had his rejection-sensitive dysphoria triggered after a ghost booed him, it has been reported. Avid ghost hunter Lucas Fletcher, 32, always hoped to encounter a disembodied spirit – but was left “devastated” when an apparition of a beheaded monk instantly disapproved...
Grisly! AuDHD woman‘s home contains graveyard of special interests
An auDHD woman is basically a serial killer but for special interests, authorities have claimed. Police discovered a vast graveyard of remnants of bygone special interests in the residence of Ffiona Maw, 40, with the accused allegedly having kept trophies from over 200 victims. PC...
Autistic woman in slasher movie becomes final girl by never answering phone
An autistic woman in a slasher movie has become the final girl by default thanks to her aversion to picking up phone calls. Lottie Fitzgerald, 21, was reportedly the intended victim of anonymous murderer, Ghostface, but despite numerous attempts, she could not be contacted. Ghostface...
Autistic boy goes trick-or-treating as sheet with eye holes cut out
An autistic boy’s Halloween costume has caused him to be repeatedly be mistaken for a ghost despite him clearly being a boy wearing a sheet with eye holes cut out, sources have revealed. Finley Rice, seven, had been excited to unveil his homemade costume, but...
Smart! Autistic woman to deter trick-or-treaters by placing orange severed head by door
An autistic woman has announced plans to scare trick-or-treaters away by appointing a severed head carved from a spooky orange vegetable the guardian of her door. Megan Aldrich, 40, made the decision after last year’s hanging skeleton failed have the desired effect. Aldrich explained: “I...
I lived it! Autistic woman misdiagnosed as vampire
A 39-year-old woman has finally received an autism diagnosis after years of being misdiagnosed as a bloodsucking creature of the night, it has been announced. Siobhan Moorton’s autistic traits were reportedly missed due to the sheer volume that overlapped with vampirism. Moorton explained: “My light...
