Autistic woman only good at body language when she’s talking to cats
An autistic woman whose resting body language says “any second I will snap and rain down fire and brimstone upon you” reportedly has no such issues when it comes to unspoken communication with cats. Alma Montague, 34, who routinely keeps her arms folded tightly over...
Brutal! Autistic woman’s self-punishment does not fit the crime
An autistic woman who has reportedly been punishing herself for a decade and a half only committed a minor social faux-pas in the first place, it has been reported. Ellie Mulligan, 35, reportedly sentenced herself 15 years ago to life without parole, doing hard emotional...
Optimist! Maybe autistic woman will enjoy clubbing this time
An autistic woman who has never once enjoyed any form of noisy, crowded nightlife sincerely believes – for some reason – that she might like it this time, it has been rumoured. Ima Onwugbenu, 22, who likes peace, quiet and solitude, has reportedly inexplicably convinced...
“We can disagree and stay friends” says man who thinks you should be eugenicsed out of existence
A man who believes you can disagree on politics and “still love each other” also believes scientists should find out what caused you so someone like you never happens again, and you, personally, should be rounded up, it has been announced. Graeme Hart, 57, believes...
Exclusive! AuDHD woman has no idea what that alarm was meant to be for
An AuDHD woman whose phone alarm just went off has zero memory of what it was supposed to be reminding her to do, it has been confirmed. Pippa Durham, 46, was reportedly interrupted from her important task of staring into space by the inexplicably specific...
Neurotypicals unable to accept spooky season is over fill sky with jump scares
Non-autistic people already missing spooky season have reportedly decided to extend it by filling the sky with terrifying, unpredictable jump scares and calling them “fireworks”. Neurotypical spokesperson, Karen Hoyland, 54, explained: “Spooky season is traditionally understood to be an autistic custom, but that’s actually a...
Carrie? Autistic woman left terrified after watching horror movie called Sex and the City 2
An autistic woman who thought she was sitting down for a long-overdue viewing of the 1976 adaptation of Carrie – or at the very least, the 2013 version – has reportedly been left traumatised after accidentally watching “chilling” horror movie, Sex and the City 2....
Alien vs. Predator just autistic woman’s dating history
An autistic woman has no desire to watch 2004’s Alien vs. Predator, as she has already lived the entire saga in her own romantic life, it has been confirmed. Krista Shure, 32, has no idea what the actual film is about, but does know what...
Dyspraxic woman at corn maze still looking for way in
A dyspraxic autistic woman tasked with finding her way out of a Halloween corn maze first has to find the entrance, her loved ones have revealed. Olivia Buckingham, 26, who took three months to learn the layout of her small workplace and still frequently ends...
Exposed! Autism satire site’s “merch” actually cunning plan to turn fans into human billboards
A satire website by and for autistic people has launched a new line of merchandise, revealed to be an elaborate scam to enlist fans to unwittingly act as human advertisements and pay for the privilege. An exposé of The Daily Tism by The Daily Tism...
