Autistic man amasses world’s largest collection of grudges
An autistic man has invited reporters to view his record-breaking grudge collection. Gavin Monks, 43, has had a special focus on grudges his entire life and now has whole rooms in his home dedicated to them. Monks said: “This is my room for everyday grudges....
Autistic woman “supporting close friend through hard time” actually thinking of TV character
An autistic woman whose emotional resources have been depleted by “holding space for a loved one” is actually referring to Toadie from the Australian soap opera, Neighbours. Freya Emerson, 33, has become increasingly concerned for Jarrod “Toadfish” Rebecchi since he recently started exhibiting erratic behaviour...
Woman without autism will never lead abnormal life
A woman who suffers from not having autism will tragically lead an entirely ordinary life, sources have confirmed. Becky Armitage, 35, whose hair is an ordinary blonde colour without a single streak of rainbow in there, has been written off by doctors as “profoundly basic”....
Autistic man stranded on desert island asks rescue team for a couple more weeks
An autistic man who became stranded on a desert island after a shipwreck has asked the search and rescue team who found him if they wouldn’t mind fucking off again, reports have confirmed. Concerns have been growing for Eddie Albington, 45, ever since he was...
Woman disappointed they don’t grade autism assessments
An autistic woman has reportedly been left devastated upon discovering that her autism assessment was simply pass or fail. Despite Paige Thomas, 27, diligently preparing for her appointment by revising every detail of her life to date, providing copious written course work and extra assignments...
Man instantly regrets telling autistic woman to smile more
A neurotypical man is being treated for shock after an autistic woman who he told to “smile more” actually did, emergency services have confirmed. Gavin Monks, 52, told stranger Emma Bernard, 30, that she would be a lot prettier if she turned that frown upside...
Autistic woman conducts forensic investigation into why you’re mad at her
An autistic woman plans to leave no stone unturned in her investigation into why you were a bit off with her, it has been claimed. Sarah Harrow, 25, couldn’t help but notice you seemed a bit short with her and has attributed this change in...
“People with autism take everything literally” claims man who doesn’t know what “literally” means
People with autism will believe literally anything you tell them, a man who doesn’t understand the meaning of the word “literally” has said. Graeme Hart, 31, who claims to know “literally hundreds of people with autism” has observed that “literally all of them” have no...
Nation to receive emergency alert if autistic woman plans to apologise
The government is set to test a national emergency message that will alert the public if an autistic woman plans to apologise to them for no reason. Emma Bernard, 41, has previously sprung “awkward and unnecessary” apologies on friends, colleagues and passers by, with no...
Autistics to host Trauma Olympics
Excitement is building worldwide as autistic people everywhere begin the countdown to hosting the Trauma Olympics. The games, which rely on contestants getting the lowest possible scores, will see autistic people compete to ultimately see who is the most traumatised. Spokesperson for autistic people, Paige...