Autistic woman interprets work Secret Santa as gross misunderstanding of her core self
An autistic woman has been left feeling betrayed and “deeply misperceived” after receiving a secret Santa gift from a colleague, according to reports. Emma Bernard, 31, from Cheshire, was appalled to open a baby-pink mug emblazoned with the slogan “Positive Vibes Only” – which immediately...
Autistic person sports itchy Christmas jumper for record time of 8.2 minutes
An autistic person has managed to keep a Christmas sweater on their body for record-breaking time of 8.2 minutes – or 492 seconds – according to reports. Jay Maw, 33, from Carlisle, has beaten the previous record of Robert Noot, 42, who wore his cashmere...
It’s here! Your social faux pas Wrapped for 2024
Your year in cringe – from us! Here are some of the crucial moments that defined the past 365 days, for you – and as your brain at 3am says, everybody else. According to our data, you interrupted your colleagues in a Zoom meeting 43...
Autistic town to host first Christmas light switch-off
A small Northern town with an unusually high proportion of autistic inhabitants is due to take part in the first ever Christmas light switch off, according to reports. Known as the De-Luminations, locals will gather to see street lights dimmed and neon signs dulled during...
Fuck! Neurotypical advent calendar reveals different shaped chocolate every day
An autistic person has been left in a state of “shock and disbelief” after learning their advent calendar contains a different-shaped chocolate every day, reports have confirmed. After yesterday morning’s unveiling of a piece of chocolate shaped like the jolly face of Father Christmas, Becky...
Wow! Autistic woman who struggles to read a room manages not to sexually harass people
Despite having an autism diagnosis, a woman has survived a whole lifetime without sexually harassing anybody in the workplace, it has been reported. Emma Bernard, 33, from Ancoats, finds it difficult to decipher social situations at the best of times – yet has mysteriously managed...
Great news! Childhood bully births really ugly baby
An autistic woman is reportedly overjoyed that her high school nemesis has birthed a satisfyingly ugly baby. Freya Emerson, 28, was stalking the Facebook page of former classmate Libby Buckingham, 29, when she discovered the image of the frightening spud-like creature. “She used to make...
Productive! Autistic woman spends entire work day perfecting email sign-off
An autistic woman has spent the best part of six-and-a-half hours drafting a work email – and is reportedly still at it, sources have claimed. Beth Hapworth, 29, from Barnsley, has concluded the way to appear “normal” in all written exchanges is by microanalysing every...
Artificial unintelligence? Autistic woman pretends to be less smart
An autistic woman has revealed the key to building social relationships is pretending she doesn’t know stuff, according to reports. Siobhan Moorton, 37, from Gawsworth, has honed the art of feigning total ignorance about specialist subjects she’s spent years learning about – in an attempt...
Wow! Autistic woman so socially adept she doesn’t even need small talk
An autistic woman has proven to be that gifted at socialising that she goes straight in for the overshare, according to reports. Miya Wilkes, 33, from Cheadle, has insisted that the lack of small talk isn’t due to a deficiency in her social skillset – but...
