State funeral begins for autistic woman’s favourite bowl
An autistic woman has requested a period of national mourning after the passing of her favourite bowl, sources confirm. Paige Thomas, 28, from Bradford, described herself as “shattered” by the loss – though admittedly not as shattered as the ceramic bowl, which lay in pieces...
Autistic guest ruins wedding video by having face like smacked arse
An autistic woman has ruined every frame of a couple’s wedding video by looking utterly despondent, it has been revealed. Paige Thomas, 29, from Barnsley, was invited to attend the ceremony of an old schoolfriend in her hometown last Saturday – which turned out to...
Woman makes up for lack of eye contact by occasionally staring into people’s souls
A woman who has previously struggled to make eye contact compensates by sporadically staring past people’s eyes into the very essence of their deepest desires, fears and shame, it has been reported. Paige Thomas, 25, from Penkridge, always found it difficult to meet people’s gaze...
Woman who therapist called tough cookie jumps at toaster
An autistic woman whose therapist called “a tough cookie” jumps when the toaster pops up, like she’s a piece of bread, according to reports. Krista Shure, 25, from Cheadle, has been officially labelled as “brave” – despite going into a trauma response when the post...
Gifted and talented student just average and weird now
An autistic woman referred to a “gifted and talented” scheme during high school is just average and weird now, according to reports. Emma Bernard, 28, from Ormskirk, was regarded as a high achiever during her years in secondary education – mostly due to using words...
Autistic person just likes same twenty seconds of that one song
An autistic person hasn’t got a clue about your favourite artist – but knows one specific song really really well, according to reports. Avery Mann, 26, from Holmfirth, has listened to Pink Pony Club by Chappell Roan on a loop without any deviation for the...
Helpful mum LOVES commenting on daughter’s eating habits
A mother’s favourite pastime is commenting on her adult autistic daughter’s eating habits “out of concern for her wellbeing,” reports have indicated. Liz Thomas, 54, from Huyton – who was recently heard describing 0% fat soya yogurt as “moreish” – is horrified that her daughter,...
Mentally healthy woman just really into handwashing
An autistic woman has discovered a harmless new talent for repeatedly washing her hands, according to reports. Sarah Harrow, 24, from Runcorn, scrubs her hands with carbolic soap multiple times an hour – which her family says simply shows a commendable dedication to her craft....
Prodigy! Undiagnosed autistic woman really good at eating disorder
An undiagnosed autistic woman has discovered she’s absolutely amazing at having an eating disorder. Paige Thomas, 19, from Elton, has an innate talent for using food to regulate uncomfortable emotions – as opposed to actually feeling them. “It’s absolutely foolproof,” Thomas told us proudly. “To...
Man! This autistic woman doesn’t feel like a woman
A song by Canadian pop artist Shania Twain has uprooted an autistic woman’s issues with gender identity, reports have confirmed. The throwback track – which was playing in a bar during a outing with friends she didn’t want to go out with in the first...
