Woman looks beyond girlfriend’s autism – by staring at her tits
A woman who bravely met an autistic woman for a drink realised there was much more to her than her autism when she noticed something else first: an absolutely impeccable rack. When Beth Hapworth, 28, first noticed her date Emma Bernard, 33, across the bar,...
It’s all good material, says autistic woman who will never do stand-up
An autistic woman with zero desire to enter the comedy circuit convinces herself “it’s all good material” every time her life starts falling to pieces, it has been revealed. Paige Thomas, 31, from Old Trafford, insists on using the helpful phrase when things go wrong...
Autistic woman relates to protagonist everybody else finds fucking insufferable
An autistic woman has been left feeling ashamed after identifying with the narrator of a novel that everybody else hates, it has been reported. Paige Thomas, 26, attended a local reading group last Monday evening to discuss Sally Rooney’s Conversations With Friends. She was about...
Autistic woman mistakes shit workplace lighting for aurora borealis
An autistic woman who claimed to have seen the Northern Lights “multiple times” was actually just thinking of the ones at her open-plan office, it has been revealed. Alma Montague, 38, from Wallasey, described being confused by the excitement on social media – as spectacular...
Autistic Swedish pop fan accidentally signs up for ABA
A lifelong lover of the band ABBA has mistakenly signed up for a course of Applied Behaviour Anaylsis, it has been reported. When autistic woman Paula Mulberry, 32, arrived at We Don’t Care Therapy Centre, she believed she was auditioning for an upcoming tribute band....
Autistic child sent to school with egg sandwich – just to top it off
An autistic schoolgirl has been given an egg-mayonnaise sandwich to take in her packed lunch in an act some would describe as “unforgivable”, it has been reported. Mary Walker, eight, has always struggled to make friends. The only appropriate solution, her mother Paula Walker, 43,...
Heartbreak! Autistic woman adores itchy top she can’t wear without screaming
After snapping up the black mesh top of her dreams, an autistic woman is devastated to learn that she can’t actually wear it. Paige Thomas, 26, from Bury, explained: “I look so fuckable in it. Like, Catherine-Zeta-Jones-in-Chicago levels. But I can’t keep it on more...
Autistic woman stabs herself with pitchfork after being recommended Dog in the Night-Time book again
An autistic woman has been critically injured after stabbing herself with a garden fork last week, following yet another recommendation that she “give that mysterious dog book a go,” it has been reported. Kelsey Dacey, 34, from Warrington, was only diagnosed 11 weeks ago –...
Autistic woman brings whole self to work and is subsequently sacked
A woman encouraged to bring “her whole self” to work has since been sacked, sources claim. Emma Bernard, 27, had seemed quiet and reserved when starting her office job four months ago. Naturally, her new team noticed and decided to step in. To the horror...
Woman experiences epiphany after man says she doesn’t look autistic
Despite waiting years to be formally diagnosed, an autistic woman found herself unexpectedly enlightened yesterday, sources have confirmed. Emma Bernard, 29, had her world changed forever at her Great Uncle’s 70th bash when, whilst retrieving a sausage roll, a man told her that she really...
