Crisis report! Family just won’t leave
In a recent alarming report, even though Christmas is over, your extended family is refusing to depart the premises. Despite autistic people supposedly having a reputation for not cottoning on to social cues, it’s your neurotypical Aunt Alma currently missing multiple hints that her presence...
Non-autistics celebrate most wonderful time of year with worst pudding imaginable
Neurotypicals have once more opted to celebrate a cherished day in the winter calendar with a dessert option unanimously thought to be revolting, it has been announced. For reasons nobody can make sense of, a disgusting dense sphere made of dried fruit and candied peel...
Autistic person can’t wrap for shit
Despite their best efforts, an autistic person has concluded they can’t wrap for shit, it has been announced. Freya Emerson, 31, from Atherton, has spent the last five-and-a-half hours despairing on the bedroom carpet while trying to wrap a giant Lindt ball – with minimal...
Neurotypicals to embrace rigid routines known as “traditions”
Non-autistic people worldwide are due to collectively engage in a series of worrying rituals known as “Christmas traditions”, according to reports. Despite your family’s apparent concern about how much you love Legend of Zelda, it’s about to be socially acceptable to fixate on nothing but...
That’s the Jingle Bell Rock! Autistic woman just trying to regulate
In the spirit of Christmas, an autistic woman has commenced her favourite form of stimming – known as “the jingle bell rock”. Natasha Weaving, 29, has been moving her body back and forth in a repetitive, self-soothing motion since her extended family arrived 12 hours...
Adorable! Autistic woman suggests serial-killer-inspired baby name
An autistic woman at a baby shower has accidentally suggested a name inspired by a serial killer, it has been rumoured. Siobhan Moorton, 29, from Flint, claims she was “just trying to think outside the box” for former school friend Becky’s future son – and...
Autistic woman finally perfects answering name call on class register
An autistic woman has finally nailed the art of answering the teacher calling her name on the morning register – despite having left school eight decades ago. Miya Wilkes, 96, from Tuebrook, insists that delivering a simple “here, Miss” in front of a class of...
Autistic person asks to choose own family this Christmas
An autistic person has decided to select their own family for Christmas this year, sources have confirmed. Kit McGodden, 31, from Derby, ultimately came to the decision after years of drunken arguments with glass baubles being thrown, before their family of four ingested turkey in...
Autistic woman interprets work Secret Santa as gross misunderstanding of her core self
An autistic woman has been left feeling betrayed and “deeply misperceived” after receiving a secret Santa gift from a colleague, according to reports. Emma Bernard, 31, from Cheshire, was appalled to open a baby-pink mug emblazoned with the slogan “Positive Vibes Only” – which immediately...
Autistic person sports itchy Christmas jumper for record time of 8.2 minutes
An autistic person has managed to keep a Christmas sweater on their body for record-breaking time of 8.2 minutes – or 492 seconds – according to reports. Jay Maw, 33, from Carlisle, has beaten the previous record of Robert Noot, 42, who wore his cashmere...