“I grieve the loss of my autistic child” says mother of boy stolen by giant squid
A mother is grieving the loss of her son — not because he was dragged to the depths of the ocean by a rare sea creature, but because he had autism. Noah Michaels, 12, was snatched on a boat trip during a family holiday last...
Pasta dish murdered by sauce and cheese being mixed in
A perfectly good meal of pasta, bolognese sauce and cheese has been brutally killed by arriving needlessly mixed together, sources have revealed. When your pasta was brought the table, you were dismayed to find all the elements were mixed in – rather than resting prettily...
Woman who wrote “people person” on CV heads to self-service checkout
An autistic woman who regularly describes herself as a “people person” in online job applications also avoids cashier checkouts like the plague, according to reports. Emma Bernard, 29, from Newport, also referred to herself as “outgoing” and “extremely extroverted” – despite struggling to approach a...
State funeral begins for autistic woman’s favourite bowl
An autistic woman has requested a period of national mourning after the passing of her favourite bowl, sources confirm. Paige Thomas, 28, from Bradford, described herself as “shattered” by the loss – though admittedly not as shattered as the ceramic bowl, which lay in pieces...
Autistic guest ruins wedding video by having face like smacked arse
An autistic woman has ruined every frame of a couple’s wedding video by looking utterly despondent, it has been revealed. Paige Thomas, 29, from Barnsley, was invited to attend the ceremony of an old schoolfriend in her hometown last Saturday – which turned out to...
Woman makes up for lack of eye contact by occasionally staring into people’s souls
A woman who has previously struggled to make eye contact compensates by sporadically staring past people’s eyes into the very essence of their deepest desires, fears and shame, it has been reported. Paige Thomas, 25, from Penkridge, always found it difficult to meet people’s gaze...
Woman who therapist called tough cookie jumps at toaster
An autistic woman whose therapist called “a tough cookie” jumps when the toaster pops up, like she’s a piece of bread, according to reports. Krista Shure, 25, from Cheadle, has been officially labelled as “brave” – despite going into a trauma response when the post...
Gifted and talented student just average and weird now
An autistic woman referred to a “gifted and talented” scheme during high school is just average and weird now, according to reports. Emma Bernard, 28, from Ormskirk, was regarded as a high achiever during her years in secondary education – mostly due to using words...
Autistic person just likes same twenty seconds of that one song
An autistic person hasn’t got a clue about your favourite artist – but knows one specific song really really well, according to reports. Avery Mann, 26, from Holmfirth, has listened to Pink Pony Club by Chappell Roan on a loop without any deviation for the...
Helpful mum LOVES commenting on daughter’s eating habits
A mother’s favourite pastime is commenting on her adult autistic daughter’s eating habits “out of concern for her wellbeing,” reports have indicated. Liz Thomas, 54, from Huyton – who was recently heard describing 0% fat soya yogurt as “moreish” – is horrified that her daughter,...
