Woman who didn’t go to war still fucking hates fireworks
An autistic woman is opposed to letting off local fireworks for entirely selfless reasons, reports have indicated. Niamh McGodden, 25, from Allerton, has suddenly become invested in the welfare of ex-serving members of the military – and not just because she finds the sound of...
Non-autistic woman enjoys special interest to despairingly normal levels
An autistic woman has found a non-autistic colleague’s lack of interest in something they claimed to enjoy immensely troubling, sources have confirmed. When Emma Bernard, 31, learned her co-worker Miya Wilkes, 34, liked British sitcom The Royle Family, she couldn’t wait to re-enact every...
Tragic! Autistic woman dies after making wildly inappropriate joke
An autistic woman has died on her arse following yet another gag unsuitable for her workplace, it has been confirmed. Niamh Montague, 29, from Hull, was sitting in the shared office during the Friday afternoon conversation – which had previously included topics such as Tricia...
Demon spirit just woman who got out the bath asking you to pass her a towel
A demon spirit initially sighted by a man in his apartment was actually an autistic woman who just wanted someone to pass her a towel, it has been revealed. Dexter Livingstone, 31, was lying in bed typing a WhatsApp message when he spotted the vengeful...
Zombie sighting just autistic woman who checked out of conversation
An apparent zombie sighting has since been revealed to be an autistic woman who had zoned out of a situation she wished she wasn’t physically present in, sources have confirmed. Emma Bernard, 31, from Bolton, was in fact alive and breathing whilst cousin Megan Aldrich,...
Uncanny! Autistic woman dons neurotypical Halloween costume for third decade running
An autistic woman has announced plans to dress up as a neurotypical woman for the 11,162th time in their lifetime this Halloween, it has been reported. Natasha Weaving, 30, from Elton, spends the whole year dressing “somebody much less weird” than she actually is –...
Horror! Pink willy witches coven actually hen night
An autistic woman who swore she spotted a pink willy witches coven actually stumbled across a hen night, it has been confirmed. Emma Bernard, 25, from Liverpool, observed the terrifying scene whilst walking home through the city centre last Saturday evening. Bernard explained: “A loud...
She’s gone method! Woman inspired by Exorcist refuses to leave bed
An autistic woman recently inspired by The Exorcist (1973) is refusing to leave her bed this Halloween, according to reports. Siobhan Moorton, 34, from Newton-le-Willows, issued the statement: “I’m not depressed, I’m possessed.” “Honestly, I’ve been having such a rough mental health time recently,” Moorton’s...
Phew! Autistic person who bumped into acquaintance relieved to be sucked down grate by clown
An autistic person about to risk running into somebody they knew in public described themselves as “grateful” to be dragged away by a scary clown, say sources. Kit McGodden, 26, was walking through the ASDA car park when they spotted former schoolteacher Sarah Harrow, 56,...
Fright night? Autistic woman frightened every night by The Thoughts
An autistic woman doesn’t have to wait until Halloween to freak herself out due to grappling with existential despair 365 nights a year, it has been reported. Every evening, Niamh Callaghan, 31, from Manchester, journeys through a real-life horror film – happening in her head. ...
