“I’m actually pretty chill” says autistic woman poised like praying mantis
An autistic woman who likes to think of herself as “quite zen” regularly sits like a praying mantis, according to sources. Beth Hapworth, 26, from Crosby, is reportedly incapable of putting her feet on the floor or her arms by her sides at any given...
Most dramatic fortnight of women’s life coincides with therapist’s annual leave
An autistic woman has been left “shocked and upset” that her Extremely Difficult Time has conflicted with her therapist’s yearly holiday to Greece, it has been rumoured. Despite having answered “fine” when she was asked about her how her week had been in her most...
Autistic woman broken by city break
An autistic woman who holidayed in Paris last week is desperately trying to recuperate, it has been revealed. Sarah Harrow, 31, from Oldham, took seven days off work to go for a holiday – and now immensely regrets the decision. “I wish I’d just stayed...
Autistic woman ordering cheese pizza at Italian restaurant clarifies she isn’t xenophobic
A woman who visited an Italian pizzeria felt the urge to stand up and clarify that she isn’t harbouring xenophobic beliefs, eyewitnesses have reported. Freya Emerson, 25, politely ordered a 10” pizza with tomato sauce and cheese at Zizzi in Castlefield — but was anxious...
Good one! This autistic woman still thinks she’s being asked out for a joke
Despite having left primary school nearly two decades ago, an autistic woman still believes prospective partners are only pretending to be interested in her romantically. Paige Thomas, 28, from Winsford, suspects every potential date must be really dedicating themselves to the bit by establishing intense...
This woman soothes herself to sleep by looking up unsolved murders
An autistic woman has discovered a new remedy for her chronic insomnia – by looking up unsolved murder cases, it has been reported. Alma Montague, 24, from Chester, said: “I tried lavender oil, milky drinks and meditation. None of it worked. But there, in the...
“Is it my period?” wonders woman who is clinically insane regardless
A woman considered generally unstable at the best of times is wondering whether her period might be to blame, according to reports. Ellie Mulligan, 31, from Prestwich, insists her mood fluctuations are related to a specific phase of her menstrual cycle – despite being objectively...
“I grieve the loss of my autistic child” says mother of boy stolen by giant squid
A mother is grieving the loss of her son — not because he was dragged to the depths of the ocean by a rare sea creature, but because he had autism. Noah Michaels, 12, was snatched on a boat trip during a family holiday last...
Pasta dish murdered by sauce and cheese being mixed in
A perfectly good meal of pasta, bolognese sauce and cheese has been brutally killed by arriving needlessly mixed together, sources have revealed. When your pasta was brought the table, you were dismayed to find all the elements were mixed in – rather than resting prettily...
Woman who wrote “people person” on CV heads to self-service checkout
An autistic woman who regularly describes herself as a “people person” in online job applications also avoids cashier checkouts like the plague, according to reports. Emma Bernard, 29, from Newport, also referred to herself as “outgoing” and “extremely extroverted” – despite struggling to approach a...
