That’s the Jingle Bell Rock! Autistic woman just trying to regulate
In the spirit of Christmas, an autistic woman has commenced her favourite form of stimming – known as “the jingle bell rock”. Natasha Weaving, 29, has been moving her body back and forth in a repetitive, self-soothing motion since her extended family arrived 12 hours...
Adorable! Autistic woman suggests serial-killer-inspired baby name
An autistic woman at a baby shower has accidentally suggested a name inspired by a serial killer, it has been rumoured. Siobhan Moorton, 29, from Flint, claims she was “just trying to think outside the box” for former school friend Becky’s future son – and...
Autistic woman finally perfects answering name call on class register
An autistic woman has finally nailed the art of answering the teacher calling her name on the morning register – despite having left school eight decades ago. Miya Wilkes, 96, from Tuebrook, insists that delivering a simple “here, Miss” in front of a class of...
Autistic person asks to choose own family this Christmas
An autistic person has decided to select their own family for Christmas this year, sources have confirmed. Kit McGodden, 31, from Derby, ultimately came to the decision after years of drunken arguments with glass baubles being thrown, before their family of four ingested turkey in...
Autistic woman interprets work Secret Santa as gross misunderstanding of her core self
An autistic woman has been left feeling betrayed and “deeply misperceived” after receiving a secret Santa gift from a colleague, according to reports. Emma Bernard, 31, from Cheshire, was appalled to open a baby-pink mug emblazoned with the slogan “Positive Vibes Only” – which immediately...
Autistic person sports itchy Christmas jumper for record time of 8.2 minutes
An autistic person has managed to keep a Christmas sweater on their body for record-breaking time of 8.2 minutes – or 492 seconds – according to reports. Jay Maw, 33, from Carlisle, has beaten the previous record of Robert Noot, 42, who wore his cashmere...
It’s here! Your social faux pas Wrapped for 2024
Your year in cringe – from us! Here are some of the crucial moments that defined the past 365 days, for you – and as your brain at 3am says, everybody else. According to our data, you interrupted your colleagues in a Zoom meeting 43...
Autistic town to host first Christmas light switch-off
A small Northern town with an unusually high proportion of autistic inhabitants is due to take part in the first ever Christmas light switch off, according to reports. Known as the De-Luminations, locals will gather to see street lights dimmed and neon signs dulled during...
Fuck! Neurotypical advent calendar reveals different shaped chocolate every day
An autistic person has been left in a state of “shock and disbelief” after learning their advent calendar contains a different-shaped chocolate every day, reports have confirmed. After yesterday morning’s unveiling of a piece of chocolate shaped like the jolly face of Father Christmas, Becky...
Wow! Autistic woman who struggles to read a room manages not to sexually harass people
Despite having an autism diagnosis, a woman has survived a whole lifetime without sexually harassing anybody in the workplace, it has been reported. Emma Bernard, 33, from Ancoats, finds it difficult to decipher social situations at the best of times – yet has mysteriously managed...
