Autistic child enlisted for sports day
An autistic child forced to take part in a savage and ruthless battle called “sports” has zero idea that this may cost him his future, according to reports. Eight-year-old Robert Noot, has been put forward for a series of barbarous duties against his will, armed...
Autistic sense of justice “on brink of WW3” with constant need to please
Your lifelong sense of social justice is on the brink of all-out combat with your persistent need to keep everybody around you happy at all times, sources have stated. An anonymous military source has spoken out amidst escalating tensions between the two polarised yet fundamental...
Inclusive! Workplace happy to offer any adjustments except ones you asked for
Your employer is proud to be able to offer a range of reasonable adjustments – that is, apart from the few you had the audacity to request, according to reports. In a statement issued today, the company commented: “Nothing is too much trouble – except...
Autistic woman feels like Sylvanian Family hamster stranded in Barbie World
An autistic woman’s experience is akin to being an anthropomorphic animal figurine that’s found itself living in a perfect pink world in Malibu against its will, sources have revealed. Paige Thomas, 32, reportedly feels confused as to why she’s unwillingly found herself in a kingdom...
Autistic woman trying not to overthink intimacy feels like dead frog lying in road
An autistic woman having sex can’t help but feel like a tailless amphibian, it has been rumoured. Emma Bernard, 31, was reportedly trying not to get in her own head during a casual hookup with Ryan Wilkins, 36, but immediately realised her position resembled the...
Autistic woman only as good as her last interaction
An autistic woman has reportedly been left “appalled” after realising that her entire worth as a human being relies on whatever her last social interaction happened to be. According to sources, Emma Bernard, 30, from Dingle, was off to a flying start “chatting normally” with...
Autistic lesbian decides to just brave it and briefly glance in her direction
An autistic lesbian has finally summoned the courage to momentarily lock eyes with another woman, it has been rumoured. Emma Bernard, 31, from St Helens, decided she was ready to “make a move” on Natasha Weaving, 39, who she had been admiring from a distance...
Autistic woman just socialising through lifelong social hangover
An autistic woman enduring a daily social hangover has resolved to keep on socialising until the headaches subside – despite having felt this way for nearly half her life, sources have indicated. Sarah Harrow, 33, from Halton, repeatedly downs additional shots of chat after a...
Wow! This autistic woman’s superpower is not understanding her feelings
An autistic woman has been gifted with the superhuman ability to not understand how she’s feeling about a single thing at any given moment, eyewitnesses have claimed. Miya Wilkes, 29, was blessed with an innate proclivity for having zero sense of what that the Perpetual...
“Innocent looking” autistic woman hiding thoughts of obscene filth
An autistic woman mistaken for being “naïve” and “a total sweetheart” is concealing a rank and sordid mind of darkness and debauchery, it has been rumoured. Despite her cheerful, open smile and guileless expression, Kelsey Dacey, 32, constantly daydreams about Satanic rituals, mutual masturbation and...
