People who don’t wither as soon as the mercury rises above 20 degrees Celsius are having an absolute blast, it has been rumoured.

The freaks, who think nothing of standing at a flaming barbecue while Ragnarok kicks off around them, are reportedly keen to outdo one another with how much they can enjoy this “glorious” weather while you hunch beside your desk fan wishing everyone online would stop wanging on about how much they love their bastarding AC units.

Your next-door neighbour, the palest man you’ve ever seen in your life, said: “I’m going to sunbathe in the garden underneath your window, and I haven’t yet decided whether I’m going to wear any trousers. Hey, do you think I’ll tan brown this year instead of ‘red, raw and peeling’?”

Your colleague, who has built her entire personality around owning a bicycle, said: “Why aren’t you coming into the office? It’s only an hour by bike provided you’re prepared to run red lights at the angriest time of year!”

“Sure, the road’s melting, but the feeling of no wind in your hair is exhilarating. I’m dying to go to the pub after work, where I can order something suitably dehydrating before heading home. You have never seen me drinking water in all the time you’ve known me.”

You were unavailable for comment as you were snapping at the garden hose like a dog.

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