The latest UK heatwave has reportedly caused one autistic woman to embrace a life of piety to prevent having to spend her afterlife anywhere hotter.

Chi-Young Lee, 29, was happy being a sinner until the apocalyptic English weather tested her thermoregulation issues to the point where she began to feel her own cells denaturing.

Lee said: “Now that every CEO in the world is trying to burn as much fuel as possible before they fuck off to space and leave us to it, while my Uncle Robert can’t stop AI-ing himself into the middle of a Dwayne Johnson-Kevin Hart man-sandwich, I’ve had the chance to microdose burning in Hell and decided I absolutely would not be able to hack it.”

“It’s better to find that out in advance, I guess. I bet the AC in heaven is crisp and chilly and never packs up. God, fine, I’ll be a nicer driver and stop stealing pens from work.”

Satan commented: “We do actually offer air conditioning for our neurodivergent inhabitants, but they’ve got to clear their laundry piles before they’re allowed to use it, so no one’s actually switched it on yet.”

Like what you’re reading? Make us your new special interest! Help us grow The Daily Tism by sharing our articles, following us on Instagram, Bluesky, Threads and Facebook, shouting us a coffee on Ko-Fi or joining our bonus-content-packed Club for Terrible Autistics by subscribing to our Patreon. We also now have merch! Check out your favourite headlines in comfy wearable form over on Teemill.

You can also watch episodes one and two of our sketch show, The Daily Tism News, in collaboration with Turtle Canyon Comedy, or listen to episode three in audio form – and tune into our podcast, Autistic Women Oversharing to find out WAY too much about our writers.