A queer autistic woman’s friendship group is as fraught with drama as a Rumors-era Fleetwood Mac, eyewitnesses have claimed.

Abeer Zaki, 24, reports having formed close friendships with four other twentysomethings at her local board game café. The five reportedly grew close, although multiple love triangles, petty fallings-out and irreconcilable creative differences threaten to tear them apart before they can even write an era-defining album about it.

Zaki said: “Kit hasn’t been talking to Siobhan ever since she entered a tumultuous on/off relationship with her tattoo artist, who’s also a dungeon master not in a nerd way but in a sex way. Kit and Siobhan were a thing, but Kit kept making excuses not to attend Siobhan’s paint-and-sip nights and it sort of went downhill from there.”

“Meanwhile, Onye gave some of his sourdough starter to each of us except for me. Brenda was going to give me some of hers, but Onye urged her not to because I was ‘destroying him spiritually’. Which apparently means I don’t deserve to eat bread?”

“Among five people, we’ve had as many breakups, nearly as many cats adopted, and gotten through more boxes of hair dye than I can count.”

“I’ve got to go, actually. I’m off to Siobhan’s house to revive our toxic relationship and then I’m heading home to make an artpop track about it.”

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