Adverts, best known as the noisy flashing events filled with lies which you habitually mute between television programs, are due to experience a massive overhaul by the new Autistic Trading Standards Agency (ATSA), sources have revealed.
Inaugural head of the ATSA, Niamh Callaghan, 41, confirmed that changes will be made to the content, tone and “how much outright bollocks advertisers are allowed to tell you as long as they put the truth in size six font at the bottom of the screen.”
“For instance, adverts for perfume will be required to tell you what the scent actually smells like, using the list of ingredients,” she explained. “‘It smells a bit like apples’ is much more useful to consumers than the abstract imagery of a model whispering mysteriously, yelling into the ocean, or floating down a staircase.”
“And, instead of zooming through abandoned scenery at 80mph, car adverts will have to show the vehicle being used for its actual purpose: battling through rush-hour traffic or trying to find a parking space at the Big Tesco.”
Callaghan continued with details of the organisation’s bigger changes planned over the next six months. “Where adverts are morally irredeemable, like ones for scratchcards, bingo, or offering to buy your gold, these will have a big flashing sign just reading ‘scam’ over the top,” she said. “We’re also adding it to that one for indigestion relief, because our scientists have found that no teeny tiny firefighters are actually dispatched down your throat. Sadly, it’s just tablets.”
When asked about plans for adverts on the internet, Callaghan replied: “Oh, just use an adblocker.”
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