An autistic woman has taken the liberty of sketching out your next few decades, since you were not forthcoming in a recent conversation about future plans, it has been revealed.

You may not have noticed that Ellie Mulligan, 35, was being sarcastic when she ended the conversation with, “Glad we had this chat,” before going away and sorting everything out herself. However, you should have spotted that every Thursday afternoon, she emails you a PowerPoint presentation entitled Your Weekend: An Overview.

“I realise that some people might consider this a bit much,” Mulligan admitted, “but I can’t bear to watch you sit around and wait for things to happen to you, or get up and just… go outside? Without any of the necessary preparation? Frankly, it’s dangerous.”

“I’ve scheduled you a midlife crisis for spring 2038 to summer 2039,” she continued. “I thought you could marry someone half your age. If you don’t fancy it, though, you could take up mountain biking instead. I’m willing to be flexible on that.”

“You might not want to read pages 280-83 of my report just yet, since they outline the timing and circumstances of your death. Yes, I have made arrangements.”

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