An AuDHD man taken on a “relaxing” spa day by his partner as a birthday treat has never been less relaxed in his life, sources have revealed.
Robert Noot, 40, was gifted the Ultra Relaxation Spa Day gift package for his 40th birthday by partner Mary Walker, 41, but spent the run-up to the day in an ever-increasing state of anxiety about not being able to relax well enough.
Noot said: “The second I put the robe on I worried about how I looked. Not – not a body image thing, you understand, but how I looked to the staff! I mean, how dare I swan around wearing this when they have to be at work? Who do I think I am?! Heliogabalus??”
Things took a turn for the worse when Noot reluctantly took part in the Himalayan Sea Salt Floatation Experience, where he had to lay back in warm water and float in near silence with his eyes closed and only his increasingly shrill inner monologue for company for a horrifying 30 minutes.
“I spent the entire time worrying that I was relaxing wrong, and that I’d be in trouble somehow,” Noot continued. “I kept panicking that the experience was over, and everyone was standing around waiting for me to notice, like, ‘look at that oblivious, salty dickhead’.”
Walker commented: “Oh God, it’s wonderful, isn’t it? So peaceful. I really hope Rob’s having an equally chill time!”
Noot could not be reached for further comment as, upon discovering that a full-body massage session had been also booked for him, he began attempting to tunnel his way out through the sauna using a teaspoon.
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