Your auntie Deborah has, once again, bought you a present featuring all the overly aggressive markers of femininity, despite the fact she’s met you on several occasions and – crucially – has eyes.
You, 26, have never shown any interest in personal grooming, and approach clothes shopping with a weariness and steely resolve usually reserved for battle-scarred generals heading into war. But for Deborah Whitehead, 57, there’s just something about you that screams “let’s do makeovers!”
For many years you just assumed that your auntie was lazily typing “gift for woman” into the nearest computer, but you’ve recently started to suspect there’s more to it.
“Auntie Debs collects those porcelain dolls, you know: the ones with the cold dead eyes?” You explained, while shuddering. “It feels like all of her gifts are trying to transform me into one of the creepy little fuckers.”
“When I was younger, Auntie Debs always bought me those scratchy, flammable dresses and tight, shiny shoes that you’re not allowed to scuff,” you continued. “Climbing trees with all that on was a total pain in the arse,” you sighed. “She even got me a My First Make-Up Kit, and at that point I was 21.”
When approached for comment, Whitehead said: “Oh, she’s always making a fuss! She could be such a pretty girl if she just methodically changed every aspect of her appearance. And she’d better start doing that soon, otherwise she’ll always be living with that gal pal of hers instead of finding a nice young man.”
“Then we can get to work on her personality,” Whitehead added. She could not be reached for further comment as she was tragically set upon and eaten by her beloved pack of haunted murder dolls.
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