A “quiet” autistic relative is just preparing to absolutely decimate their family at board games, it has been reported.
Des Ackerman, 21, has been silently observing the Christmas festivities since they arrived at their grandparents’ house, leading relatives to comment that they seem especially reticent today. But Ackerman is reportedly just sizing everyone up and looking for weaknesses they can exploit when Monopoly starts to heat up, which they believe is “as inevitable as death”.
Ackerman said: “I’ve created a comprehensive guide to beating everyone at Catan, which is currently about eighty pages long. So unless my twin brother suddenly understands the vital importance of wheat, I’m going to make him wish I’d eaten him in the womb.”
“I need to be on top form after what happened last Christmas,” Ackerman continued. “During a tense game of Trivial Pursuit, I confidently asserted that there were six Dirty Dancing films – which is, of course, blisteringly and irredeemably wrong.”
“And just like that, all my social capital was gone for the duration of the festive period. I had nothing left to recommend me to anyone, and spent the rest of the year feverishly studying Patrick Swayze’s filmography so this would never happen again.”
Ackerman claims to be well-versed in their relatives’ tells. “I always know when Aunty Karen’s been made a socialist during Secret Hitler because she looks extremely uncomfortable. We all know she’d rather be a fascist.”
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