An autistic man has been sent into an adrenaline-filled three-day fight-or-flight spiral in advance of seeing a beloved friend he has known for most of his life, sources have revealed.

Noah Michaels, 43, has known his friend Ethan Stern, 44, since childhood, where they attended school together, spend every weekend round each other’s houses playing Super Mario Brothers, and were generally considered inseparable. With only a handful of days to go before the visit of his closest friend, Michaels was reported to be “absolutely fucking bricking it”.

Michaels said: “Oh Christ alive, what on Earth was I thinking? What are we going to do?” Michaels went on to explain that he couldn’t remember how to talk to other people, wasn’t sure he could even sustain a conversation without at least the distraction of playing a video game, and was regretting ever forging his friendship with Stern when the two bonded over a particularly bad classroom fart aged 11.

“I was his best man!” Michaels added, “He was MY best man! Why on Earth did I think I could invite him round for dinner? How am I going to behave? What are we going to talk about? Oh God I should practice having a conversation.” Michaels, now developing a noticeable eye-twitch, then proceeded to lay under a weighted blanket and perform the Valsalva manoeuvre, in a vain attempt to lower his blood pressure.

When reached for comment, Stern, the dearly cherished source of this existential horror, was unaware of the massive spike in cortisol that his imminent arrival was causing. He commented: “Oh it’s so nice that I’m going to see Noah again! We always have a good time! Might play a bit of Mario, you know? Bit of nostalgia. I hope he’s as excited as I am!”

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