Being touched can, in very specific circumstances and with sufficient levels of mitigating factors, be a bearable activity between consenting adults, a groundbreaking new study has revealed.

The team of autistic researchers at the Institute for Tolerable Contact conducting the study, reportedly undertook various experiments in order to remove the nightmarish sensations of human contact, while leaving any potential pleasantness behind, much like how red kidney beans need to be boiled furiously for 30 minutes to remove the dangerous toxin phytohaemagglutinin, leaving you with gross, powdery beans, which are apparently considered edible.

Pippa Durham, 34, clinical trials manager at the ITC, explained: “For years, it had been believed that the affectionate stroke of a partner was some vague form of punishment, possibly for an unknowable transgression, but now, with considerable preparation and planning, we can render this into a sensation that is mostly OK!”

Test subject Cameron Brereton, 33, commented: “First of all, there were the control tests. This involved my girlfriend stroking my thigh sensually, as if to initiate intercourse. Obviously, the presence of scientists surrounding us made it all a bit uncomfortable, but that discomfort was nowhere near the dreadful squirming feeling of having someone else’s hand getting up to who knows what on the top of my leggingtons.”

With guidance from the researchers, Brereton was finally able to tolerate soft, gentle stroking, so long as his partner also placed a hand firmly on the same leg, which ITC scientists described as “A sort of misdirection for the nervous system, kind of like Three-Card Monte, but for legs.” 

Brereton’s neurotypical partner, Ffiona Maw, 35, said: “Finally I can now stroke Cameron’s leg and have it actually show affection, rather than just making him look deeply confused. He still shrieks when I rest a hand on his shoulder, mind, but they’re scientists, not miracle workers.”

Like what you’re reading? Make us your new special interest! Help us grow The Daily Tism by sharing our articles, following us on Instagram, Bluesky, Threads and Facebook, shouting us a coffee on Ko-Fi or joining our bonus-content-packed Club for Terrible Autistics by subscribing to our Patreon. We also now have merch! Check out your favourite headlines in comfy wearable form over on Teemill.

You can also watch episodes one and two of our sketch show, The Daily Tism News, in collaboration with Turtle Canyon Comedy, or listen to episode three in audio form – and tune into our podcast, Autistic Women Oversharing to find out WAY too much about our writers.