An autistic man’s entire life has been turned upside down thanks to the introduction of a new set of cutlery, sources have claimed.

The stainless steel interlopers, which are new and were absolutely unasked for, were introduced to 27-year-old Ryan Wilkins’ household last Friday, and immediately began to upend the status quo.

Wilkins said: “One minute I was having a lovely time eating my daily ration of chicken goujons and coleslaw with my perfectly satisfactory cutlery – you know, just the right heft and weight to the handles, nothing weird about the tines of the forks, reassuring minor serration to the knives – and then the next, these strange, narrow, spindly freaks were crowding my kitchen drawers and making my life hell!”

Wilkins’ complaints about the new cutlery include: their arrival upending his home’s Cutlery Hierarchy, requiring him to come up with a new set of rankings from scratch; the handles are “all nastythin”; “it’s not even good cutlery, anyway”; and worries that the old cutlery will begin to feel like they weren’t doing a good enough job, or are otherwise unloved.

Wilkins’ partner, Pippa Durham, 25, who introduced the life-ruining silverware, commented: “I’m not sure what the problem is. This used to be my grandmother’s cutlery. It’s lovely. I have fond memories of stirring my tea with it as a kid. Then I brought it home and he reacted to it like it was hot to the touch and actively wished him ill.”

At the time of writing, Wilkins is still sitting at his dining table, staring despondently at a spoon, muttering: “Look at it. It’s completely the wrong size. I might as well eat my Weetabix off a shoe.”

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