An autistic woman has reportedly faced dire consequences for having been born on this day 28 years ago by being sentenced to a full day of people singing badly straight into her face. 

Alma Montague, 28, didn’t ask to be born, but has now had to endure multiple tuneless choruses of Happy Birthday from family, friends and, worst of all, colleagues. 

Montague said: “I don’t know how a song that comes in under a minute manages to last 5000 years, but it does. It’s not worth it for a slice of cake, it’s just not.”

“What are you supposed to do while people are singing at you? What face are you supposed to pull? People have been singing this since the late 19th century and there’s still no established protocol.”

“The worst is Debbie from accounts,” Montague added. “She fancies herself a semi-pro singer and insists on doing harmonies. Harmonies! The rest of them can’t even agree on which note to start on! She should be taken out back and shot.”

Colleague Debbie Hoyland, 46, commented: “Happy birrrrthday to youuuuu!”

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