An autistic woman has run out of grandparents to kill off as an excuse to get out of work social events, according to sources.
Kelsey Dacey, 40, has managed to get out of white water rafting, rock climbing and other oddly Lara Croft-coded activities by killing off her grandparents in increasingly tragic ways. Now that she has used both sets, she is desperate to find a new excuse.
Dacey said: “There’s a karaoke night coming up at the end of the month, and I cannot bear to listen to the Head of Sales commit crimes against Aretha Franklin. But all my grandparents are, as far as they know, dead. Unless I bring one back from the dead and kill them again. They do that on Eastenders all the time.”
Dacey’s manager, Natasha Weaving, commented: “I feel terrible for Kelsey. Whenever there’s a fun activity coming up, she suffers a sudden bereavement. Last time, her grandad tripped over a wire at an AC/DC concert and fell into the pyrotechnics display, at which point he was shot in the face. And that’s a month after his wife was torn apart by wild dogs.”
“Kelsey’s career progression is on the line here. She’s being held back by the fact she’s never sung ‘Islands in the Stream’ with the CEO and graciously offered to let him be Dolly Parton.”
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