An autistic woman is boring the ever-living fuck out of her friends and family by relentlessly questioning her own diagnosis, sources have claimed. 

To put her doubts to rest, Paige Thomas, 39, underwent a rigorous diagnostic assessment with clinical psychologist, Graeme Hart. This consisted of seven lengthy questionnaires and three diagnostic interviews, which Thomas voluntarily supplemented with a full autobiography.

“What if Dr Hart was having an off day?” Thomas mused, as she lined up the items on her coffee table in order of total surface area.

“What if I conned him? I really think I conned him. Not on purpose, but I think I might be a very specific sort of con artist who only deceives people by accident?”

Hart responded, “Paige is autistic.”

“When I asked Paige if she has any special interests, she fetched her laptop out of her bag and proceeded to show me a spreadsheet of all her Beanie Babies.”

“It’s really cool,” Thomas chimed in. “Because I can sort them alphabetically by name, chronologically by date of birth, or chronologically by the date I received them. The original poems don’t scan, though, and that annoys me, so I wrote my own little poem about each one. Those are in column Q, there, if you just scroll across…”

When approached for comment, Thomas’ 281 Beanie Babies voted unanimously in favour of her being autistic.

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