Speaking at a press conference earlier today, the health secretary Wes Streeting announced his radical new plan to reduce government spending. Streeting, described by late journalist Dawn Foster as a “lickspittle Tory cunt”, took to the podium wearing a tweed suit, deerstalker, and carrying an oversized blunderbuss.
Hot off the back of welfare Secretary’s Liz Kendall’s widely-criticised disability welfare reforms, Streeting said he had no intention of being outdone.
Speaking to a visibly uncomfortable audience, Streeting declared: “People with autism, anxiety disorders, ADHD – all that silly twitchy stuff – have had it too good for too long. It’s time they stopped being a drain on our society, with their ‘reasonable adjustments’ and ‘payments that give them some independence to engage with society’, and instead started being chased through the streets by me and my big net.”
Olivia Buckingham, 30, a mental health worker from Stockport, said that reactions to the announcement had been mixed. “On one hand, the evidence clearly shows that giving people the help they need to interact with the world provides both a positive effect to that person’s mental health as well as boosting the economy, but on the other hand, I guess dressing like Elmer Fudd and digging holes in people’s gardens looking for the disabled might work too?”
At the time of publication, Streeting was unavailable for comment. When contacted, we were informed by his office that “The Secretary of State for Health and Social Care is currently being bamboozled by a duck with a lisp and AuDHD”.
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