An autistic person has made the groundbreaking discovery that resolving the source of one anxiety causes at least 14 new ones to pop up, like adding water to a Gremlin, it has been announced.
Eli Port, 41, made the breakthrough after their boss asking them to come in early “for a catch up”, causing an entire weekend of mild hyperventilating, was literally just referring to idle chitchat. But their relief was short lived when they immediately became stressed about every other thing on the face of the planet.
Port explained: “Thank God I’m not getting fired – but I AM going to get friend dumped by a newish pal for oversharing about my last boyfriend having a kink for Ant and Dec.”
“I’m also definitely going to get found out for bitching about Olivia when her and Becky had fallen out – but now they’re friends again and Olivia definitely knows,” Port continued. “And I just remembered I made a minor mistake on my census form about 25 years ago, so I’m expecting the authorities round in full body armour any minute.”
“Oh and at least five things in my body are definitely cancer. No… wait… six.”
“But I’ll be fine once I resolve the source of all THESE anxieties,” Port added. “Right? Right???”
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