An autistic woman has admitted that actually yeah, she probably isn’t trying hard enough, now that you mention it, it has been announced.
In a statement released today, Alma Montague, 33, thanked you for your unsolicited advice about the amount of effort she could be putting into the relentless task of existing, and promised to beat herself up even more than she already has.
Montague’s statement read: “I’m really sorry I left your gender-reveal party after only three hours. I know you were expecting an all-night raver to celebrate telling everyone you’ve ever met which genitals showed up on a scan of your foetus.”
“I could have made the extra effort to arbitrarily hang around for another hour, awkwardly suggesting improvements to the festivities like a baby-shaped piñata,” Montague continued. “It’s not your fault the cannons spraying pink confetti gave me a visceral histamine response.”
“You’re right – I was totally fine,” Montague admitted. “I mean, I had to strip all my clothes off the second I got through my front door and spent the rest of the evening, ironically enough, in the foetal position sucking my thumb. But if I’d really been trying, I would have proved it by staying behind until I dropped dead during ‘Pin the Gender Roles on the Innocent Child’.”
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