A racist, sexist and homophobic aunt has announced plans to branch out into ableism in time for Christmas, according to sources.
Alma Montague, 46, realised that her bigoted tirades at family gatherings were excluding her autistic niece, 17 year-old Freya Emerson. In preparation for Christmas this year, Montague has been mining niche subreddits, reading autism studies from the 1950s and watching ABA success stories dredged from the bowels of TikTok.
Montague said: “I noticed that Freya gets upset with me whenever I speak. Probably because I’m not paying her enough attention. So I did what any good auntie would do. I’ve prepared some micro aggressions for Christmas lunch, which will tee me up nicely to invalidate her struggles just after the King’s Speech. And then I’ll loudly point out all the ways in which she’s different – just after I’ve pestered her for another hug.”
Montague – one of the few people who still uses Facebook – is known to take her role as “problem relative” seriously. Her contributions to the family group chat consist of forwarding unhinged articles on WhatsApp about the dangers of vaccination, raw milk as a cure for homosexuality and how trans women are involved in an elaborate global conspiracy to take the mantle of “biggest sex offenders” away from cishet men.
When approached for comment, Emerson sighed loudly, stuffed a Quality Street into her mouth and said, “The only reason she’s still married to Uncle Bill is that she doesn’t know what the Grindr notification sounds like.”
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