Autistic woman excited to make soup remembers she fucking hates soup
An autistic woman “looking forward to making soup this autumn” has just recalled how much she actually fucking hates it, sources have confirmed. Miya Wilkes, 31, from Sheffield, was initially thrilled at the prospect of chopping almost-expired vegetables and draining thick, murky water from cans…
Spooky season? This autism researcher is a ghoul year-round
An autism researcher has opted not to wear a Halloween costume this year as he is always a ghoul regardless of the season. Leading autism expert, Dr. Graeme Hart, reportedly does not initially appear to be a ghoul, looking outwardly like a human man –...
Autistic woman who “loves everything fall” breaks leg tumbling from window
A autistic woman who saw several Instagram posts captioned “get fall ready” took this as a literal instruction and has hurled herself from an upstairs window, reports have indicated. Sarah Harrow, 33, from Huddersfield, hates pumpkin-spice lattes, but loves the feeling of descending from a...
Torn apart! My therapist hates his therapist
An autistic couple have reportedly split after realising they have incompatible therapists. Dexter Livingstone, 35, and Paige Thomas, 32, made the decision to end their one-year relationship as psychotherapists Becky Armitage and Olivia Buckingham couldn’t make things work. Thomas said: “Dexter and I really did...
Wow! Autistic couple making ecstatic noises in bedroom must be enjoying bashing train sets together
An autistic couple loudly moaning with pleasure in their bedroom are “having a great time playing with their train sets,” their housemates have said. Paige Thomas, 26 and boyfriend Dexter Livingstone, 28, are frequently overheard from behind their closed door groaning, sighing and shouting “fuck...
Honestly! Autistic woman REALLY glad she went
An autistic woman reluctantly dragged to a bar by a group of friends has insisted she had a really good time, sources have revealed. Emma Bernard, 27, from Netherton, described haunting waves of loneliness washing over her as the night progressed – which she could...
We’re all a bit on the spectrum, says most neurotypical woman to have ever lived
Headline by Andrew Hickey A woman has explained that everyone is “a little bit autistic,” despite being the most aggressively neurotypical person on the planet, sources have revealed. Karen Hoyland, 40, who believes that “we’re all on the spectrum somewhere” also enjoys daily Zumba classes,...
Autistic woman tackles mental health stigma by going on about issues
An autistic woman is bravely tackling mental health stigma by constantly oversharing at work, according to reports. Emma Bernard, 29, from Wallasey, has inspired colleagues by bringing her complex history of mental illnesses to the weekly Zoom team meeting. “It’s time to break the silence,”...
Sweet! Family doesn’t hate you, just your autism
Your family doesn’t hate you – just the neurological blueprint that forms the basis for your entire personality, it has been confirmed. A spokesperson for your family said: “We accept you just as you are, but we also wish that you were different in every...
Inspiring! This autistic woman says fuck the planet
An autistic woman is challenging autism stereotypes by refusing to give a shit about the environment, according to reports. Ellie Mulligan, 24, from Chorlton, stated she grew weary of hearing “What, like Greta?” every time she revealed her diagnosis to friends and family. Since then,...
Upsetting! Autistic man answers honestly when girlfriend asks “what are you thinking?”
An autistic man is baffled over his girlfriend’s inexplicable and abrupt change in mood after he answered honestly when asked what he was thinking, witnesses have claimed. Dexter Livingstone, 30, was in bed with girlfriend, Kelsey Dacey, 26, when she asked “what are you thinking?”...
Phew! Woman with body dysmorphia actually looking at reflection in spoon
An autistic woman who has always hated her body has discovered that while this is mostly due to patriarchal beauty standards, it is also due to her having always used a spoon to view her reflection. Emma Bernard, 35, had suffered from body dysmorphia her...
Autism diagnostic services post women “sorry we missed you” slips
Autism diagnostic teams around the country have begun to post “sorry we missed you” cards through the letterboxes of late-diagnosed autistic women, reports say. According to sources, the card reads: “We’re sorry we couldn’t deliver your autism diagnosis to you in childhood. Unlike Michael, who...
