“I have autism” announces Cthulhu
A gigantic entity worshipped by cultists, Cthulhu, has announced that he is evil because he has autism. Cthulhu, described as “a monster of vaguely anthropoid outline, but with an octopus-like head whose face was a mass of feelers, a scaly, rubbery-looking body, prodigious claws on…
Attention, gamers! Autism announces PMDD expansion pack
The makers of Autism have announced an add-on that allows players to bring premenstrual dysphoric disorder into their gaming experience, according to reports. Players with the Menstrual Cycle hardware will be able to access the all-new PMDD expansion pack, which boasts a variety of new...
Sultry! Seductive scent makes autistic woman retch like cat
A fragrance described as “sultry” and “seductive” has brought an autistic woman close to vomiting profusely, it has been rumoured. Siobhan Moorton, 31, from Allerton, is reportedly still recovering from tentatively spraying herself on the wrist with the sample fragrance during a visit to John...
Autistic woman’s facial expressions and tone of voice unable to work together due to creative differences
An autistic woman has issued a statement explaining that her facial expressions and tone of voice are unable to work together due to having entirely different visions for their performances. Ellie Mulligan, 33, has spent three decades trying to foster a positive collaboration between the...
“Gullible” autistic man believes people when they tell him stuff
An autistic man has been branded “gullible” by his peers for foolishly taking the things other people say at face value, it has been rumoured. Cameron Brereton, 25, has become known as an easy mark, as he naively believes people he likes and trusts are...
Milda Spergers! Wizard author announces first autistic character
A well-known British children’s fantasy author has confirmed that she’s written her first ever autistic character, according to sources. Jean Sloping, 59 – known for her Henry Twiddle book series set in a magical wizard academy – revealed the addition of a young witch student...
People pleaser pleases nobody
An autistic person who tries to please other people has somehow managed to achieve the exact opposite result, sources have confirmed. Jay Chester, 28, who strives to ensure that everyone is always happy with them at all times, reportedly failed to factor in that people...
Song played on repeat getting really annoyed at listener
Headline by Andrew Hickey An autistic woman’s favourite song is sick and tired of having to constantly be on all the time, it has been reported. Vampire by Olivia Rodrigo, one and a half, has begged Paige Thomas, 24, to give it a break after...
Spectrum 10k: “And we would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling autistics”
The minds behind the now-cancelled Spectrum 10k project are really quite ticked off that their totally non-creepy plan to collect autistic DNA has been scuppered by a gang of scrappy autistics, it has been rumoured. The project, which asked autistic subjects for their saliva for...
Neurozesty neurodeviant learns to love neurofruity neuroheretical brain
A neurowiggly little neurobabe has finally learned to accept her neuroquirks, neurotraits and general neurowhimsy, according to sources. Avery Mann, 38, fell into a deep despair after being diagnosed as autistic last year. Now that she has gotten the help she needs, cleaned out the...
“What are you thinking?” therapist asks AuDHD woman thinking about viral reel
An autistic woman with ADHD who paused for a prolonged period during a therapy session was actually recalling a recent Instagram reel, it has been revealed. Sarah Harrow, 25, has been attending regular weekly appointments with an experienced counsellor – but worries when her mind...
Mortifying! Autistic woman forgets to mirror exactly same amount of kisses at end of text
An autistic woman has been left “inconsolable” after sending a text with two kisses on the end when the acquaintance she had been texting had sent three, it has been rumoured. Navya Randhawa, 30, made the unforgivable error when attempting to book a hair appointment...
Vaccines cause autism, says worm that ate RFK Jr’s brain
The worm that infiltrated and feasted on RFK Jr’s brain has claimed that vaccines cause children to catch autism. The Great and Powerful Worm, 15, which faked its own death over a decade ago, has since been secretly acquiring territory, and has reportedly now consolidated...
