Attractive autistic woman convinced she’s disgusting little bin monster
An autistic woman who many, many, many people find attractive cannot conceive of a reality in which she’s not a stupid little sewer goblin, it has been announced. Paige Thomas, 29, who has attracted many partners of all genders and even more admirers, has said…
“I grieve the loss of my autistic child” says mother of boy stolen by giant squid
A mother is grieving the loss of her son — not because he was dragged to the depths of the ocean by a rare sea creature, but because he had autism. Noah Michaels, 12, was snatched on a boat trip during a family holiday last...
Autistic woman who always guesses plot twist carefully selects movie to ruin
An autistic woman who always figures out how a film is going to end about halfway through has spent several hours choosing the perfect new release to ruin movie night. Kelsey Dacey, 34, who has historically spoiled The Sixth Sense, Gone Girl and Fight Club,...
Pasta dish murdered by sauce and cheese being mixed in
A perfectly good meal of pasta, bolognese sauce and cheese has been brutally killed by arriving needlessly mixed together, sources have revealed. When your pasta was brought the table, you were dismayed to find all the elements were mixed in – rather than resting prettily...
Hot to Go dance? Autistic person still trying to nail the Y.M.C.A
An autistic person is reportedly unable to learn the Hot to Go dance as they’re still trying to wrap their heads around the Y.M.C.A Eddie Albington, 36, has been trying to learn the 1978 disco hit since early childhood, but still flails about uncertainly between...
Woman who wrote “people person” on CV heads to self-service checkout
An autistic woman who regularly describes herself as a “people person” in online job applications also avoids cashier checkouts like the plague, according to reports. Emma Bernard, 29, from Newport, also referred to herself as “outgoing” and “extremely extroverted” – despite struggling to approach a...
Autistic relationship begins with more complex negotiations than Brexit deal
A new romantic relationship between two autistic people has begun with a round-table summit involving a team of highly paid lawyers and an elaborate set of oddly specific terms, it has been reported. Paige Thomas, 38, and Dexter Livingstone, 45, who are both autistic, decided...
State funeral begins for autistic woman’s favourite bowl
An autistic woman has requested a period of national mourning after the passing of her favourite bowl, sources confirm. Paige Thomas, 28, from Bradford, described herself as “shattered” by the loss – though admittedly not as shattered as the ceramic bowl, which lay in pieces...
Autistic woman calls in sick to friendship
An autistic woman currently unwell with a summer cold has spent the day apologising to friends for being a bit quieter than usual, it has been rumoured. Pippa Durham, 26, considers her closest friendship to be a full-time job, and dutifully let Alma Montague, 28,...
Am I one?? Autistic woman ruins day by Googling covert narcissism
An autistic woman has wrecked her own day by convincing herself she’s a covert narcissist, according to reports. Beth Hapworth, 35, Googled the term after someone suggested it applied to her ex, but quickly found herself spiralling into a pit of hyperbole and self-loathing. She...
Autistic guest ruins wedding video by having face like smacked arse
An autistic woman has ruined every frame of a couple’s wedding video by looking utterly despondent, it has been revealed. Paige Thomas, 29, from Barnsley, was invited to attend the ceremony of an old schoolfriend in her hometown last Saturday – which turned out to...
Woman makes up for lack of eye contact by occasionally staring into people’s souls
A woman who has previously struggled to make eye contact compensates by sporadically staring past people’s eyes into the very essence of their deepest desires, fears and shame, it has been reported. Paige Thomas, 25, from Penkridge, always found it difficult to meet people’s gaze...
Becky’s passive-aggressive Instagram story triggers global RSD crisis
A woman’s cryptically narky Instagram story has set off every neurodivergent person in the world’s rejection sensitive dysphoria, the government has confirmed. Becky Armitage, 42, posted the following mysterious rant to the social media platform: “Some people are seriously self-absorbed. Get over yourselves #Toxic.” University...
