“Zombie” just autistic person with sleep disorder
A terrifying pasty-skinned wreck spotted shuffling towards the bus stop has turned out to be an autistic person with Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder, authorities have claimed. Kit McGodden, 37, from Harpurhey, was misidentified as being one of the living dead after they were seen staggering…
Fine! Satan gives in after 15 weeks of negotiations for autistic woman’s soul
An autistic woman has officially become the first person to ever to out-negotiate Satan, it has been reported. Paige Thomas, 45, has claimed that she entered into negotiations with the Prince of Darkness in good faith – but talks over the terms of her soul...
Tragic! Autistic woman dies after making wildly inappropriate joke
An autistic woman has died on her arse following yet another gag unsuitable for her workplace, it has been confirmed. Niamh Montague, 29, from Hull, was sitting in the shared office during the Friday afternoon conversation – which had previously included topics such as Tricia...
AuDHD ghost late for haunting died ten years and two days ago this very night
A motorist has once again failed to pick up the ghost of AuDHD woman on the anniversary of her death, sources have revealed, as she completely forgot she was meant to turn up at all until two days later. Cameron Brereton, 32, did not pick...
Demon spirit just woman who got out the bath asking you to pass her a towel
A demon spirit initially sighted by a man in his apartment was actually an autistic woman who just wanted someone to pass her a towel, it has been revealed. Dexter Livingstone, 31, was lying in bed typing a WhatsApp message when he spotted the vengeful...
Scary? Autistic man’s favourite porno is A Quiet Place
An autistic man has issued a statement calling on the public not to kink shame him over his unusual choice of masturbatoy material. Onanist, Cameron Brereton, 28, explained that he has eschewed mainstream pornography in favour of the 2018 horror movie, A Quiet Place. Brereton’s...
Flirting? Autistic woman thought ghost was just really into pottery
An autistic potter has only just realised that she has been conducting an intense love affair with a ghost for the last three months, and not just teaching him about creating earthenware, it has been announced. Dexter Livingstone, 27, started turning up in the workshop...
Zombie sighting just autistic woman who checked out of conversation
An apparent zombie sighting has since been revealed to be an autistic woman who had zoned out of a situation she wished she wasn’t physically present in, sources have confirmed. Emma Bernard, 31, from Bolton, was in fact alive and breathing whilst cousin Megan Aldrich,...
Robbed! Autistic man’s niche Halloween costume inexplicably fails to win contest
An autistic man has demanded a recount after his hyper-specific Halloween costume failed to impress judges at a costume contest. Lloyd Didcot, 45, was reportedly “shocked and outraged” when not a single judge correctly identified that he was dressed as Paul Tanner, second trombonist in...
Uncanny! Autistic woman dons neurotypical Halloween costume for third decade running
An autistic woman has announced plans to dress up as a neurotypical woman for the 11,162th time in their lifetime this Halloween, it has been reported. Natasha Weaving, 30, from Elton, spends the whole year dressing “somebody much less weird” than she actually is –...
Boo! Ghost triggers autistic man’s RSD by heckling him
An autistic man has had his rejection-sensitive dysphoria triggered after a ghost booed him, it has been reported. Avid ghost hunter Lucas Fletcher, 32, always hoped to encounter a disembodied spirit – but was left “devastated” when an apparition of a beheaded monk instantly disapproved...
Horror! Pink willy witches coven actually hen night
An autistic woman who swore she spotted a pink willy witches coven actually stumbled across a hen night, it has been confirmed. Emma Bernard, 25, from Liverpool, observed the terrifying scene whilst walking home through the city centre last Saturday evening. Bernard explained: “A loud...
She’s gone method! Woman inspired by Exorcist refuses to leave bed
An autistic woman recently inspired by The Exorcist (1973) is refusing to leave her bed this Halloween, according to reports. Siobhan Moorton, 34, from Newton-le-Willows, issued the statement: “I’m not depressed, I’m possessed.” “Honestly, I’ve been having such a rough mental health time recently,” Moorton’s...
