Autistic woman calls in sick to friendship
An autistic woman currently unwell with a summer cold has spent the day apologising to friends for being a bit quieter than usual, it has been rumoured. Pippa Durham, 26, considers her closest friendship to be a full-time job, and dutifully let Alma Montague, 28,…
Am I one?? Autistic woman ruins day by Googling covert narcissism
An autistic woman has wrecked her own day by convincing herself she’s a covert narcissist, according to reports. Beth Hapworth, 35, Googled the term after someone suggested it applied to her ex, but quickly found herself spiralling into a pit of hyperbole and self-loathing. She...
Autistic guest ruins wedding video by having face like smacked arse
An autistic woman has ruined every frame of a couple’s wedding video by looking utterly despondent, it has been revealed. Paige Thomas, 29, from Barnsley, was invited to attend the ceremony of an old schoolfriend in her hometown last Saturday – which turned out to...
Woman makes up for lack of eye contact by occasionally staring into people’s souls
A woman who has previously struggled to make eye contact compensates by sporadically staring past people’s eyes into the very essence of their deepest desires, fears and shame, it has been reported. Paige Thomas, 25, from Penkridge, always found it difficult to meet people’s gaze...
Becky’s passive-aggressive Instagram story triggers global RSD crisis
A woman’s cryptically narky Instagram story has set off every neurodivergent person in the world’s rejection sensitive dysphoria, the government has confirmed. Becky Armitage, 42, posted the following mysterious rant to the social media platform: “Some people are seriously self-absorbed. Get over yourselves #Toxic.” University...
Woman who therapist called “tough cookie” jumps at toaster
An autistic woman whose therapist called “a tough cookie” jumps when the toaster pops up, like she’s a piece of bread, according to reports. Krista Shure, 25, from Cheadle, has been officially labelled as “brave” – despite going into a trauma response when the post...
Meant to be! This dating website matches autistic singles with inevitable sociopath
A new dating website has launched with the aim of pairing lonely autistics with the sociopath that would have eventually sniffed them out anyway. A spokesperson for Unhinge, Graeme Hart, said: “Our process is very simple. You take a quick quiz when you sign up...
Gifted and talented student just average and weird now
An autistic woman referred to a “gifted and talented” scheme during high school is just average and weird now, according to reports. Emma Bernard, 28, from Ormskirk, was regarded as a high achiever during her years in secondary education – mostly due to using words...
Autistic person just likes same eleven seconds of that one song
An autistic person hasn’t got a clue about your favourite artist – but knows one specific song really really well, according to reports. Avery Mann, 26, from Holmfirth, has listened to Pink Pony Club by Chappell Roan on a loop without any deviation for the...
Adult man still lives with his autism
A man who grew up living with autism still hasn’t moved out, it has been reported. Dexter Livingstone, 22, left his parents’ home at the age of 18, but to their dismay took his autism with him. Livingstone’s mother, Karen Livingstone, 54, said: “We were...
Woman who told depressed friend to “reach out” didn’t mean to HER
A woman who told her clinically depressed autistic friend to reach out if she felt bad meant for her to reach out to someone else, it has been confirmed. Karen Hoyland, 38, told Emma Bernard, 34, that she should “talk to someone about these feelings,”...
Helpful mum LOVES commenting on daughter’s eating habits
A mother’s favourite pastime is commenting on her adult autistic daughter’s eating habits “out of concern for her wellbeing,” reports have indicated. Liz Thomas, 54, from Huyton – who was recently heard describing 0% fat soya yogurt as “moreish” – is horrified that her daughter,...
“Everything we don’t like is on the spectrum” decide neurotypicals
Neurotypicals have helpfully decided that everything they dislike must be “on the spectrum,” it has been announced. Neurotypicals said: “That guy being a bit of a tosser? Probably on the spectrum.” “Nazis? Definitely on the spectrum,” they continued. “That mass murderer?” They added. “Seems pretty...
