Milda Spergers! Wizard author announces first autistic character
A well-known British children’s fantasy author has confirmed that she’s written her first ever autistic character, according to sources. Jean Sloping, 59 – known for her Henry Twiddle book series set in a magical wizard academy – revealed the addition of a young witch student…
People pleaser pleases nobody
An autistic person who tries to please other people has somehow managed to achieve the exact opposite result, sources have confirmed. Jay Chester, 28, who strives to ensure that everyone is always happy with them at all times, reportedly failed to factor in that people...
Song played on repeat getting really annoyed at listener
Headline by Andrew Hickey An autistic woman’s favourite song is sick and tired of having to constantly be on all the time, it has been reported. Vampire by Olivia Rodrigo, one and a half, has begged Paige Thomas, 24, to give it a break after...
Spectrum 10k: “And we would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for you meddling autistics”
The minds behind the now-cancelled Spectrum 10k project are really quite ticked off that their totally non-creepy plan to collect autistic DNA has been scuppered by a gang of scrappy autistics, it has been rumoured. The project, which asked autistic subjects for their saliva for...
Neurozesty neurodeviant learns to love neurofruity neuroheretical brain
A neurowiggly little neurobabe has finally learned to accept her neuroquirks, neurotraits and general neurowhimsy, according to sources. Avery Mann, 38, fell into a deep despair after being diagnosed as autistic last year. Now that she has gotten the help she needs, cleaned out the...
“What are you thinking?” therapist asks AuDHD woman thinking about viral reel
An autistic woman with ADHD who paused for a prolonged period during a therapy session was actually recalling a recent Instagram reel, it has been revealed. Sarah Harrow, 25, has been attending regular weekly appointments with an experienced counsellor – but worries when her mind...
Mortifying! Autistic woman forgets to mirror exactly same amount of kisses at end of text
An autistic woman has been left “inconsolable” after sending a text with two kisses on the end when the acquaintance she had been texting had sent three, it has been rumoured. Navya Randhawa, 30, made the unforgivable error when attempting to book a hair appointment...
Vaccines cause autism, says worm that ate RFK Jr’s brain
The worm that infiltrated and feasted on RFK Jr’s brain has claimed that vaccines cause children to catch autism. The Great and Powerful Worm, 15, which faked its own death over a decade ago, has since been secretly acquiring territory, and has reportedly now consolidated...
Feminist boyfriend totally fine with autistic girlfriend being a crazy bitch
A self-proclaimed feminist man has reassured his autistic girlfriend that he supports her right to be batshit crazy at all times, it has been revealed. Jack Harrington, 30, totally acknowledges his privilege of being a man – especially as he is unencumbered by the lady...
Woman with “severely autistic” nephew fails to realise she’s tragically neurotypical
A woman who describes her autistic nephew as “severely autistic” is yet to recognise the true tragedy of her neurotypical brain, it has been reported. Deborah Whitehead, 58, from Alvanley, laments the imagined tragedy of an autistic man’s life – despite hers being blighted by...
Autistic woman aces job interview by mirroring worst person she knows
An autistic woman struggling to find work has finally impressed an interview panel after mimicking the behaviour of the most insufferable human being they’ve ever met, sources have claimed. Miya Wilkes, 33, from Dingle, had a feeling that her usual interview strategy of “just being...
Autistic woman wondering if she has ADHD or if she’s just high all the time
An autistic woman is questioning whether she is AuDHD or just enjoys a toke, it has been rumoured. Paige Thomas, 37, who is diagnosed as autistic, frequently misplaces things, forgets what she was saying mid-sentence and has trouble controlling her impulses – but usually experiences...
Autistic man on holiday adjusts to everything being different just in time to go home
An autistic man who decided to go abroad for “a bit of a change” has finally adjusted to everything being completely different on day 13 of his two-week trip. Aidan Michaels, 35, who booked a fortnight’s holiday to Portugal – having briefly forgotten about the...
