Vaccines cause autism, says worm that ate RFK Jr’s brain
The worm that infiltrated and feasted on RFK Jr’s brain has claimed that vaccines cause children to catch autism. The Great and Powerful Worm, 15, which faked its own death over a decade ago, has since been secretly acquiring territory, and has reportedly now consolidated…
Feminist boyfriend totally fine with autistic girlfriend being a crazy bitch
A self-proclaimed feminist man has reassured his autistic girlfriend that he supports her right to be batshit crazy at all times, it has been revealed. Jack Harrington, 30, totally acknowledges his privilege of being a man – especially as he is unencumbered by the lady...
Woman with “severely autistic” nephew fails to realise she’s tragically neurotypical
A woman who describes her autistic nephew as “severely autistic” is yet to recognise the true tragedy of her neurotypical brain, it has been reported. Deborah Whitehead, 58, from Alvanley, laments the imagined tragedy of an autistic man’s life – despite hers being blighted by...
Autistic woman aces job interview by mirroring worst person she knows
An autistic woman struggling to find work has finally impressed an interview panel after mimicking the behaviour of the most insufferable human being they’ve ever met, sources have claimed. Miya Wilkes, 33, from Dingle, had a feeling that her usual interview strategy of “just being...
Autistic woman wondering if she has ADHD or if she’s just high all the time
An autistic woman is questioning whether she is AuDHD or just enjoys a toke, it has been rumoured. Paige Thomas, 37, who is diagnosed as autistic, frequently misplaces things, forgets what she was saying mid-sentence and has trouble controlling her impulses – but usually experiences...
Autistic man on holiday adjusts to everything being different just in time to go home
An autistic man who decided to go abroad for “a bit of a change” has finally adjusted to everything being completely different on day 13 of his two-week trip. Aidan Michaels, 35, who booked a fortnight’s holiday to Portugal – having briefly forgotten about the...
Not handsome enough to tempt me! Autistic man unsure why crush dislikes him following offhand comment at ball
An autistic man has been left confused after being rejected by a woman he has been nothing but aloof and judgemental towards, sources have reported. Fitzwilliam Darcy, 28, from Pemberley, asked Elizabeth Bennet, 20, to marry him – but received a resounding “no”, much to...
Autistic women chameleons if chameleons couldn’t blend in for shit, experts admit
Despite autistic women being commonly compared to the colour-changing reptile, most of them can’t actually socially camouflage to save their lives, researchers have admitted. “Autistic women are often likened to chameleons,” autism expert Dr. Karen Hoyland explained: “That is, if a chameleon got into a...
I’m a Faithful, pleads Traitors contestant just trying to hide her autism
A contestant appearing on a series of The Traitors has aroused suspicion among her fellow contestants whilst trying to conceal her autism, according to reports. Niamh Callaghan, 29, from Doncaster, seems terrified of opening her mouth for nefarious reasons – when she’s actually trying...
The autistic guide to waving exuberantly without accidentally Sieg Heiling
We’ve all done it. Who hasn’t been innocently hanging out at the inauguration of a man dubbed by people in his own party as the next Hitler and accidentally performed a Nazi salute that could only be more blatant if it was accompanied by a...
AuDHD woman’s special interest is her phone
An AuDHD woman has revealed that her special interest is compulsively opening and closing apps on her phone. Kelsey Dacey, 37, who is definitely not a phone addict, just has a hyperfixation on the lovely glowy supercomputer full of instant dopamine hits. Dacey said: “It’s...
Inspirational! Anxious autistic person starts skin-picking group
In an attempt to combat loneliness and isolation within the autism community, an autistic person has decided to start a skin-picking group, it has been announced. Research suggests the average autistic people sheds 50g of skin a year – the equivalent of a pot of...
Woman labelled “complex” by mental health services really just basic bitch
An autistic woman who was described as “complex” by her team of mental health professionals has been revealed to be actually pretty basic, reports can confirm. Paige Emerson, 26, from Castlefield, might have “a lot going on psychologically” according to a room of therapists –...
