Consistent! Person who says you’re not autistic gives you most shit for acting autistic
The person in your life who’s convinced you’re not really autistic at all is also the hardest on you about every single autistic trait you exhibit, it has been confirmed. Karen Hoyland, 58, who insists you were just fine until you got this autism nonsense…
Out of office? Autistic woman spending annual leave out of body
Instead of a four-day trip to Florence or meeting up with friends, an autistic woman has dedicated her annual leave to completely depersonalising from herself, according to reports. Niamh Callaghan, 31, from Dingle, is taking some much needed time to dissociate from her physical form....
“Self-employed” autistic woman actually works for cat
An autistic woman who thought becoming self-employed would mean being her own boss has discovered that she actually now works for a small feline tyrant, it has been confirmed. Beth Hapworth, 32, who made the move from from being a full-time corporate copywriter to freelancing...
Anxious autistic woman on train definitely not trying to dodge ticket inspector
An autistic woman who appears stressed and overwhelmed during her daily commute is absolutely not attempting to avoid the rail fare, reports have indicated. Avery Mann, 25, from Bury, routinely jumps from carriage to carriage due to “extreme bouts of anxiety” – and definitely not...
Autistic woman pretending chocolate for breakfast isn’t just daily occurrence
An autistic woman is currently delivering an expert performance of enjoying chocolate for breakfast as an Easter novelty and not simply as part of her usual routine, according to reports. Olivia Buckingham, 29, from Liverpool, is doing a stellar job of acting like she hasn’t...
AuDHD woman’s superpower is turning keys invisible
An AuDHD woman has revealed that her neurodivergent superpower is making her keys magically disappear whenever she tries to leave the house. Pippa Durham, 36, is reportedly also able to turn her unique talent to her wallet, phone and the memory of which app she’d...
Caughtistic: Creep facing sexual harassment allegations is suddenly autistic
A man has suddenly decided to embrace being autistic, coincidentally at the exact moment he faces allegations of sexual misconduct at work, sources have claimed. Wallace Murray, 45, has spent the past five years telling colleagues that everyone has a diagnosis now and there was...
Neurotypical ally clarifies: “RFK Jr. doesn’t mean YOU”
A non-autistic ally reportedly thinks it’s vital that you understand that when RFK Jr. gets eugenicsy about autism, he means those other ones – not you. Karen Hoyland, 60, wants to reassure you that you have nothing to worry about when it comes to the...
Normally rule-following autistic says fuck transphobic laws
A cisgender autistic woman who is generally so law abiding she once performed a citizen’s arrest on herself for jaywalking will not acknowledge any evil transphobic legislation, it has been confirmed. Miya Wilkes, 37, who counts several trans and non-binary people among her dearest friends,...
Disappointing! Sunflower lanyard tastes like shit
The sunflower lanyard for hidden disabilities makes for a thoroughly suboptimal chew toy, according to autistic people. The green and yellow lanyard – which allows you to play a sort of social Russian roulette with the general public – is not particularly pleasant to use...
Innovative! Neurotypical relative discovers new way to patronise you
Your neurotypical relative has revealed themselves to be a creative genius after inventing an entirely new way to make you feel like an overgrown toddler, it has been rumoured. Karen Hoyland, 57, reportedly upped her game after burning through “you must be very mild”, “we’re...
Wow! Autistic-coded TV character SO autistic nobody needs to actually say it
A character in a new comedy series is so blatantly autistic it doesn’t need to be so much as mentioned at any point, the show’s neurotypical creator has said. The show, What’s the Deal with Grizelda Grumpf, follows kooky main character Grizelda, whose mysteriously peculiar...
Autistic woman’s quarterly rebrand just same old suffering with new haircut
An autistic woman’s quarterly rebrand has failed to alter her miserable existence apart from making her hair look slightly different, eyewitnesses have claimed. Pippa Durham, 33, who experiences the urge to become a completely different person every three months, genuinely thought she could overhaul her...
