See?! Autistic woman resists urge to wave diagnosis in face of everyone she’s ever had beef with
A newly diagnosed autistic woman has miraculously refrained from contacting everyone who’s ever misunderstood her socially, sources have confirmed. Paige Thomas, 28 – who finally received her autism diagnosis last week after three years on an NHS waiting list – described the development as “in…
“We’re all a bit autistic” says woman who doesn’t realise she’s a lot autistic
A woman who thinks “everyone’s a little bit autistic” has no idea she’s the most autistic woman to ever autism, it has been rumoured. Beth Hapworth, 45, made the claim after suggesting her autistic friend’s struggles to be “just what everyone goes through, right?” She...
“We didn’t want to give her the autism label” say parents of woman with five mental health diagnoses
A couple has expressed relief that their now-adult autistic daughter didn’t receive her diagnosis in childhood – despite developing a string of psychiatric illnesses during that time. Paul and Mary Shinter, 56 and 58, had their suspicions “something was off” since Paige – now 25...
Coincidence! Neurotypical woman raising awareness of autism also wants you to buy these gut vitamins
A neurotypical woman who has selflessly dedicated her life to raising awareness about autism also wouldn’t mind if you bought these gut vitamins, it has been reported. Karen Hoyland, 42, spends most of her day talking about the “devastating impact” autism has on families and...
Woman outraged to learn that inner child work is unpaid
An autistic woman has been shocked to discover “inner child work” is not a means to generate income – halfway through a course of therapy. Sarah Harrow, 27, had been seeing an NHS professional for eight weeks when she arrived at the realisation that she...
Newly diagnosed autistic woman offered follow-up appointment with Twitter dickheads
A late-diagnosed autistic woman seeking further support has been generously offered limitless sessions on social media with some cunts, it has been reported. Paula Mulberry, 41, spent three years on an NHS waiting list before her suspicions that she might be autistic were confirmed. When...
Autistic woman forced to undergo hour of small talk rewarded with haircut
An autistic woman is reportedly “horrified” after being forced to partake in 56 minutes of drawn out chatter in exchange for a simple cut and blow – and then being asked to pay £40 for her ordeal. Sarah Harrow, 33, from Crosby, realised her mistake...
“I think?” Autistic woman prefaces highly specific knowledge to sound less weird
An autistic woman has honed the art of looking normal – despite having a near-encyclopaedic knowledge of all three Bridget Jones films, it has been rumoured. Ellie Mulligan, 34, knows extensive character lore, filming facts and even where they bought Mark Darcy’s folding underpants from. ...
“What if I’m not autistic?” Stresses person handing assessor 91-page dissertation about life
An autistic person is anxious that they won’t receive a formal diagnosis at their upcoming autism assessment – despite providing the psychologist with a folder the size of Tolstoy’s War and Peace. Avery Mann, 40, who was asked to give “a few examples” about their...
Wow! Child with autism on talent show inspires by being distinctly mediocre
An 11-year-old autistic boy who appeared on This Country’s Quite Gifted has stunned audiences – by singing in a way that would be entirely expected for a child his age. Finley Rice – who ocassionally hums along to whatever’s on in the car – appeared...
Non-autistic friend who cancelled plans apologises for causing untold joy
A non-autistic friend who cancelled plans is really sorry to give you five hours of your delicious routine back, it has been rumoured. Before postponing indefinitely, Kelsey Dacey, 31, was scheduled to meet you for a coffee at 11am on Saturday – at the exact...
Woman looks beyond girlfriend’s autism – by staring at her tits
A woman who bravely met an autistic woman for a drink realised there was much more to her than her autism when she noticed something else first: an absolutely impeccable rack. When Beth Hapworth, 28, first noticed her date Emma Bernard, 33, across the bar,...
Autistic child who “can’t express love” to parents declares undying devotion to cat
An autistic child whose parents claim is “incapable of showing affection” regularly hugs and kisses her cat, Trevor, it has been rumoured. Avery Rice, seven, was diagnosed as autistic after her parents noticed she wasn’t achieving regular milestones – such as looking them in the...
