Autistic man wants you to know how sorry he is for the “man” part
An autistic man wishes to make it very clear to you that he is very, very, sorry that he’s a man, and for men in general, according to a statement released today. The statement, issued by Robert Noot, 46, after his friend Paige Thomas, 39,…
Cat records chart-topping album of autistic owner’s little songs
A cat has become one of the world’s best-selling musical artists overnight, after secretly recording his owner while she sang about him. Marmaduke, six, is reported to have been the subject of near constant vocal stimming by Ellie Mulligan, 32. In response, Marmaduke concealed a...
Autistic woman wins prize for recycling better than anyone ever
An autistic woman has won a special prize for being fastidious when sorting out the recycling, sources have revealed. Freya Emerson, 33, was awarded the East Moorwood Borough Council Prize for Excellence in Recycling and Careful Removal of Sellotape. She received a £10 book token...
Autistic woman suspects baby didn’t actually write in her birthday card
An autistic woman has begun to question whether her eight-month-old nephew actually wrote a message in her birthday card, it has been reported. The message addressed to Karen Hoyland, 25, reads, “Happy birthday Aunty Karen! Lots of love from Finley”. Despite his father’s insistence, Hoyland...
Autistic woman’s spiky learning profile actually more of a stump
An autistic woman who claimed to have a “spiky learning profile” has clarified it’s technically more of a stump, according to reports. Emma Bernard, 29, from Bury, was labelled as “creatively gifted” during her schooling not due to her unique and original talent for the...
Autistic woman’s awkward phase enters 30th year
An autistic woman’s awkward phase has encompassed her entire life to date, it has been revealed. 30-year-old Beth Hapworth reportedly expected to grow out of her period of dodgy haircuts, embarrassing style experiments and responding to everything by saying “fab-a-roo”, but despite being an adult...
Palatable! Autism show’s star-studded cast just about makes up for the autism
A new show about autism has revealed a twinkly all-star cast in the hope that it might make the autism go down a little easier, reports have confirmed. Auguspergers – which is due to be released on streaming services this month – follows the unseen...
Expert! This autistic woman collects comorbidities
An autistic woman has reportedly wowed experts with her extensive collection of rare comorbid health conditions. Paige Thomas, 37, began collecting co-morbidities in her early twenties and has since curated an incredible list of ailments, injuries and illnesses. Thomas explained: “Like any connoisseur, I started...
Dinner host wishing they’d never asked for your dietary requirements
A friend who invited you over for dinner now wishes they’d never asked for your dietary requirements, met you, or been born, it has been rumoured. Olivia Buckingham, 32, who just thought it would be nice to have you over for a catch-up, reportedly didn’t...
Consistent! Person who says you’re not autistic gives you most shit for acting autistic
The person in your life who’s convinced you’re not really autistic at all is also the hardest on you about every single autistic trait you exhibit, it has been confirmed. Karen Hoyland, 58, who insists you were just fine until you got this autism nonsense...
Out of office? Autistic woman spending annual leave out of body
Instead of a four-day trip to Florence or meeting up with friends, an autistic woman has dedicated her annual leave to completely depersonalising from herself, according to reports. Niamh Callaghan, 31, from Dingle, is taking some much needed time to dissociate from her physical form....
“Self-employed” autistic woman actually works for cat
An autistic woman who thought becoming self-employed would mean being her own boss has discovered that she actually now works for a small feline tyrant, it has been confirmed. Beth Hapworth, 32, who made the move from from being a full-time corporate copywriter to freelancing...
Anxious autistic woman on train definitely not trying to dodge ticket inspector
An autistic woman who appears stressed and overwhelmed during her daily commute is absolutely not attempting to avoid the rail fare, reports have indicated. Avery Mann, 25, from Bury, routinely jumps from carriage to carriage due to “extreme bouts of anxiety” – and definitely not...
