Therapy cat would eat you if it was bigger
Your therapy cat is only settling for snuggling with you because you are too large to be a small prey item, it has been confirmed. A spokesperson for The Itty Bitty Kitty Committee, Lemon, said: “What you call kisses is me trying to tenderise you.”…
I unmasked my autism and found out I was five raccoons in an overcoat
Ever since my autism diagnosis six years ago, I’ve struggled with my identity. After years of masking my autistic traits, I wasn’t even sure who I really was underneath it all. It’s taken many years and a lot of therapy, but I’ve finally stopped camouflaging...
On fleek! Woman who’s a decade behind pop culture bang on autism trend
A woman who is consistently between nine and 13 years behind the zeitgeist has somehow managed to be way ahead of the autism trend, it has been reported. Ellie Mulligan, 30 – who has just discovered “this band called Haim” – has been autistic since...
Inspirational! Severely depressed autistic woman now slightly less depressed
An autistic woman has been hailed online as “an inspiration” after going from very severely depressed to slightly less depressed, it has been reported. Ellie Mulligan, 28, who has been suffering from a clinical depressive episode for several months, is reported to have both brushed...
Boyfriend chewing again
An autistic woman’s boyfriend is chewing very, very loudly, sources have confirmed. Beth Hapworth, 29, has been shooting murderous glares at her boyfriend of two years, Gavin Monks, 28, ever since he opened that bag of tortilla chips. She said: “If I took a pillow...
“I’m not sure we’re the right fit” says woman who doesn’t fancy therapist
An autistic woman has made the decision to stop seeing her therapist after several sessions – due to realising she wasn’t romantically interested in her. Paige Thomas, 29, from Sheffield, attended just three appointments with counsellor Tricia Squire, 47 before admitting – via text –...
Autistic woman cuts out middle man by gaslighting herself
An autistic woman who is constantly being gaslit has decided to streamline things by simply making herself doubt her own sanity, sources have confirmed. Paige Thomas, 41, who has spent the last four decades being told by family, colleagues and boyfriends that she’s imagining things,...
Cat at house party finds autistic person to hang with
A cat experiencing anxiety at a house party is said to have been “relieved” after finding an autistic human to play with. Boo, seven, who prefers one-on-one social interactions, dislikes loud noises and abstains from drinking alcohol, told reporters he had been “wracked with nerves”...
“Bring back whatshername!” says woman who totally watches Love Island, honest
An autistic woman who totally watches Love Island, honest, has attempted to join in the morning chat in the office, it has been rumoured. Beth Hapworth, 29, who works as an in-house accountant for an office supplies company, is said to “absolutely love all the...
Autistic woman sure this is her fault somehow
An autistic woman is pretty sure she’s somehow to blame for this thing that seemingly has nothing to do with her, it has been rumoured. Krista Shure, 28, was heard by sources apologising for the someone else bumping into her, the weather turning and basically...
Nailed it! Woman who made therapist cry wins therapy
A woman who caused her therapist to become misty eyed during a session is feeling secretly smug about it, according to reports. Emma Bernard, 25, from Carlisle, swears she saw counsellor Tricia Squire, 45, becoming tearful when Bernard was recounting her early childhood years –...
Only autistic man without social anxiety raised by wolves
The only autistic man who managed to avoid debilitating social anxiety was raised in the woods by a feral pack of predators, it has been revealed. Gavin Monks, 27, known by his wolf family as He Who Runs Weird, has developed the condition since rejoining...
Poly woman really not trying to fuck you
An autistic woman who just told you she’s polyamorous has absolutely no interest in banging you, so chill the fuck out, sources have revealed. Sarah Harrow, 27, who currently has two romantic partners and the busiest effing iPhone calendar you’ve ever seen, not only doesn’t...
