Autistic woman’s idea of self-care akin to that of depraved Roman emperor
An autistic woman’s idea of self care is virtually indistinguishable from that of a morally bankrupt Roman emperor, sources have claimed. Lottie Fitzgerald, 36, deals with the stresses of everyday life by plotting against family members (blocking her mum on WhatsApp), indulging in raucous bacchanals…
Kids think they’re autistic because of social contagion, says mum who wants hers to catch measles
Children are catching autism from other kids, according to a mother who took her own offspring to a measles party. Karen Hoyland, 35, who believes both vaccines and having friends cause autism, actively encourages her six-year-old son Finley to get potentially deadly measles for reasons...
Autistic lesbian decides to just brave it and briefly glance in her direction
An autistic lesbian has finally summoned the courage to momentarily lock eyes with another woman, it has been rumoured. Emma Bernard, 31, from St Helens, decided she was ready to “make a move” on Natasha Weaving, 39, who she had been admiring from a distance...
Study finds only thing worse than being ignored is being perceived
The only thing worse than nobody noticing you is somebody acknowledging your stupid, embarrassing existence, a study has revealed. The study, conducted by researchers who had reportedly “run out of ideas”, showed that while going through life feeling invisible is painful, it’s nowhere near as...
Autistic Pride Day welcome break from Autistic Shame Year
Autistic Pride Day is to provide a much-needed temporary respite from the remainder of a year spent marinating in shame, it has been rumoured. The event, which takes place today, the 18th of June, encourages autistics to feel positive about themselves – until the clock...
Autistic woman lands dream job as everybody’s unpaid educator
An autistic woman has finally landed her dream role as an unpaid educator for everyone around her, it has been reported. Navya Randhawa, 28, has always dreamed of wasting her precious time and energy explaining the modern world to everyone she meets. From family members...
Autistic woman just socialising through lifelong social hangover
An autistic woman enduring a daily social hangover has resolved to keep on socialising until the headaches subside – despite having felt this way for nearly half her life, sources have indicated. Sarah Harrow, 33, from Halton, repeatedly downs additional shots of chat after a...
Autistic writer upset they can’t submit second draft of conversation
An autistic writer has reportedly been left “frustrated” that they are unable to submit the second draft of the very stupid thing they just said in casual conversation. Jay Chester, 48, who regularly puts their foot in their mouth during routine social interactions, often redrafts...
Autistic woman joins pyramid scheme out of desperation for structure
An autistic woman has knowingly joined a pyramid scheme in the hopes of gaining some much-needed structure in her life, it has been reported. Niamh Callaghan, 31, was offered the chance to escape her chaotic life when a former classmate tried to charm her into...
Advertorial: Autistic completionist’s life ruined after discovering a History of Rock Music in 500 Songs
An autistic man who needs to find out everything there is to know about his special interest or his brain will itch until he’s dead has had his life “ruined” by discovering the single most verbose music history podcast in a frankly overcrowded market, it...
Wow! This autistic woman’s superpower is not understanding her feelings
An autistic woman has been gifted with the superhuman ability to not understand how she’s feeling about a single thing at any given moment, eyewitnesses have claimed. Miya Wilkes, 29, was blessed with an innate proclivity for having zero sense of what that the Perpetual...
“I don’t know if I’m autistic” says woman whose special interest is autism
A woman doesn’t know if she’s autistic despite being completely hyperfixated on autism, it has been reported. Paige Thomas, 29, is unsure of whether or not she would meet the criteria for an autism diagnosis, yet simply relates to a bunch of stuff autistic woman say,...
“Innocent looking” autistic woman hiding thoughts of obscene filth
An autistic woman mistaken for being “naïve” and “a total sweetheart” is concealing a rank and sordid mind of darkness and debauchery, it has been rumoured. Despite her cheerful, open smile and guileless expression, Kelsey Dacey, 32, constantly daydreams about Satanic rituals, mutual masturbation and...
