Dentist forced to remind sobbing autistic woman that having a cavity is not a moral failing
An autistic woman was today rendered inconsolable at a routine dental checkup by the assessment and diagnosis of a small cavity that may require a filling. Dental hygienist Karen Hoyland, 34, delivered the devastating news with her standard chipper nonchalance but was shocked and disturbed…
“Rejection sensitive” autistic woman decides on career in the arts for some reason
An autistic woman with rejection sensitivity dysphoria has inexplicably decided to pursue a career that has an entire academic discipline dedicated to criticising it, sources have confirmed. Freya Emerson, 24, reportedly thinks being a writer-performer will bring her joy and fulfilment, despite every single thing...
Weighted blanket filled with collective sadness of mankind
An autistic woman’s weighted blanket is heavy with the collective sorrow of billions of human beings, sources have revealed. Ellie Mulligan, 35, first became aware that her blanket might not have been ethically sourced when she noticed a faint screaming sound coming from within the...
Original Odd Couple? Autism and ADHD forced to cohabit in same person
An AuDHD man has become the battleground for an escalating series of tense arguments after his autism and ADHD started sharing the same space, it has been reported. Lloyd’s Autism, 37, and Lloyd’s ADHD, 37, both of Lloyd Didcot, 37, had been acquaintances for many...
BREAKING: Eurgh, oh God, there’s a texture
There’s a Texture and eurgh oh God oh fuck it’s everywhere, according to you. You had decided to wash the dishes without gloves – because gloves are also a Texture – when your hand brushed against a bit of wet peanut butter. Now that the...
Chronically ill autistic woman officially on enough meds to open underground pharmacy
A chronically ill autistic woman is officially on enough medication to start a lucrative side hustle, it has been revealed. Alma Montague, 39, who has so many comorbidities she can sing their acronyms to the tune of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, realised recently that she now owns so...
Autistic woman without defined aesthetic “basically worthless” says Internet
An autistic woman who is neither conventionally hot nor fashionable has been deemed worthless by social media, sources have said. Ffiona Maw, 25, enjoys posting unedited photos of her day-to-day life online, but has recently been informed by her followers that autistic women are not...
AuDHD woman regrets telling everyone about craft project
An AuDHD woman has come to “sorely regret” telling everyone who’d listen about the Barbie Dreamhouse she started building six months ago, it has been rumoured. Beth Hapworth, 38, who wasn’t allowed a Barbie Dreamhouse as a child, embarked upon the project as a way...
Missing! “Autistic sense of justice” nowhere to be found when it’s time to talk about race
A woman’s “autistic sense of justice” has been reported missing after it failed to appear when it was time to talk about racism in the autistic community, sources have said. Beth Hapworth, 26, uses her online platform to advocate for “all autistic people”, in the...
“We mustn’t leave it so long next time” says AuDHD friend who’ll see you in a decade
An AuDHD friend who has vowed to get better at staying in touch will see you whenever the next parent dies, sources have confirmed. Jay Chester, 40, can’t believe it’s been so long since you last met up and genuinely intends to remedy the issue...
TV character’s autism metaphor getting increasingly abstract
The token autistic character on a TV show has explained neurodivergence using the most convoluted metaphor possible, according to reviewers. The latest episode of Spectra, a sitcom about a quirky autistic woman trying to fit in with her neurotypical flatmates, has been met with confusion...
Why do you ask? Hypermobile woman IS comfortable sitting like that
A hypermobile autistic woman is reportedly perfectly comfortable sitting like her legs are on backwards, why do you ask? Krista Shure, 44, who eyewitnesses claim has the flexibility of a newborn infant, told reporters she has “no idea” why people keep asking if she’s OK...
Housemates’ conflicting sensory needs predicted to result in horrifying bloodbath
A neurodivergent household in which individuals have differing sensory needs is a situation that can only end in some sort of four-way duel, experts have warned. The warning came after residents of a suburban dwelling in Nottingham recently reported an ambulance permanently parked outside their...
