Autistic woman finally free after running out of fucks to give
An autistic woman has been liberated from guilt, worry and an unending cycle of avoidable conflict by officially handing in her last fuck, it has been confirmed. Brenda Hernández, 45, who until recently had spent her life oscillating between fawning responses and explosive outbursts, issued…
Autistic man at networking event covertly edging towards buffet table
An autistic man at a networking event is hoping no one has noticed him quietly edging towards the buffet table, according to reports. By some accident of fate, 26-year-old Jack Harrington has found himself at a networking drinks for sales professionals. Although the other attendees...
Autistic man in hyperfocus fails to notice hunger, thirst or home robbery
An autistic man hyperfocusing on his special interest has failed to notice the passage of time, his basic bodily needs, and the gang of hoodlums ransacking his home, authorities have claimed. Jack Harrington, 42, who started building a homemade automatic plant-watering system earlier this morning,...
Autistic woman’s dog attracts other people, sadly
An autistic woman loves her dog – but not the attention he attracts from other people, it has been reported. Tricia Squire, 34, walks her five-year-old Samoyed, Chewy, twice a day, attracting constant attention from people eager to delay Squire’s walk on the baseless assumption...
The Princess and the Pea actually about autistic woman and her weird bedtime snack
The Princess and the Pea, one of Hans Christian Andersen’s most popular and enduring fairytales, has long been misunderstood by fans and literary critics alike, scholars have claimed. Published in 1835, the tale was originally considered to teach children an important moral lesson: that posh...
Autistic woman owns three wearable outfits and 50 pipe-dreams
An autistic woman’s wardrobe consists of three things she can wear and about 50 she can’t, sources have said. Sabheen Bhatt, 25, describes herself as a “shoptimist” with a penchant for itchy jumpers, trousers that are impossible to eat in, and dresses that could only...
Autistic woman punished for fleeting moment of happiness by remembering mortality
An autistic woman has reportedly been punished for experiencing a brief moment of joy by immediately remembering the impermanence of life and that one day everyone who exists, including her, will be dead. Ffiona Maw, 42, experienced a fleeting moment of unbridled happiness while enjoying...
Missing their milestones? Autistic girls haven’t dabbled in witchcraft yet
Two young autistic girls have raised concern after failing to show a healthy childhood interest in witchcraft typical for neurodivergent girls their age, sources have said. Twins Lottie and Niamh Fitzgerald, 11, are about to start secondary school, but neither of them have even made...
Autistic woman concerned when limo driver stops to pick up random people
Headline by Anna Nicholson, winner of our Patreon caption competition. Piece by Sara Gibbs An autistic woman who thought she was boarding an exclusive stretch limousine has been left “baffled and aggravated” after the driver repeatedly stopped to allow the general public on board, sources...
Experts reveal the causes of Daily Mail readership and how to avoid them
In an announcement that has stunned the nation’s right-wing dickheads, experts have vowed to identify the causes of reading The Daily Mail by the end of the month. The collection of words and pictures, which technically qualifies as a “newspaper” despite containing more shrieking than...
Autistic woman who didn’t hear what you said about to chance it with a laugh
An autistic woman with auditory processing disorder who didn’t hear what you just said is about to take a risk and assume it was a joke, sources have revealed. Christine Smout, 40, can barely process a single word you’re saying in the noisy, overcrowded pub...
Autistic woman ordering at restaurant struggles to correct uncomfortable power imbalance
An autistic woman eating at a restaurant is struggling to cope with the notion of other people serving her, it has been reported. Kelsey Dacey, 37, decided to treat herself to dinner at her local Italian, but when waiter Graeme Hart, 29, laid down her...
Autistic woman punished for having birthday by people singing at her
An autistic woman has reportedly faced dire consequences for having been born on this day 28 years ago by being sentenced to a full day of people singing badly straight into her face. Alma Montague, 28, didn’t ask to be born, but has now had...
