Only non-dyspraxic in autistic friend group tasked with opening all the crisps
The only non-dyspraxic person in an autistic friendship group has been officially appointed Chief Crisp Packet Opener, it has been announced. Dexter Livingstone, 28, nicknamed Dextrous Dexter for his ability to use his fingers without somehow instigating a nuclear meltdown, has also been tasked with…
Girlboss! Undiagnosed autistic woman starts career as psychiatric patient
A woman without a formal autism diagnosis is expected to have a long and fulfilling career as a patient in a psychiatric hospital, sources have said. Beth Hapworth, 24, from Wigan, is reportedly “thrilled” to have her personality traits and interests described as “obsessive” and...
Autistic woman’s favourite part of sex is her bra coming off
An autistic woman has revealed that her favourite part of sex is the bit where her horrible itchy bra gets removed. Miya Wilkes, 28, from Durham, enjoys the rest of sex just fine – but has to stop herself instantly climaxing from the sheer relief...
Autistic chef uses fidget square to bake teeny tiny cakes
An autistic chef has found an unusual use of a sensory bubble fidget square – baking the most minuscule cakes imaginable. Natasha Weaving, 45, from Ormskirk said: “As a Christmas stocking filler, it felt somewhat clichéd and a tad patronising. Especially when I’d asked for...
You’re not like other girls! Neurotypical man unaware that you’re worse
A neurotypical man has recently voiced his belief that you’re “not like other girls” – seemingly unaware that you’re worse. Lloyd Didcot, 34, expressed the sentiment during the worst Hinge date of your life, in which he forced you to sit at one of the...
Knock-knock joke falls flat as autistic refuses to answer door
A knock-knock joke has failed to land, or even get off the ground, as the autistic person on the receiving end simply pretended they hadn’t heard the door going, it has been reported. Kit McGodden, 24, reportedly responded to the opening gambit of “knock knock”...
Cute! Autistic best friends take turns to have mental health crises
A pair of autistic best friends have been described as “adorable” for their habit of alternating their respective mental health crises, it has been reported. Kelsey Dacey, 27 and Becky Armitage, 29, have implemented a relay-race system to ensure that only one of them is...
Autistic woman’s movie night ruined by volume being on odd number that’s not even a multiple of five
An autistic woman’s movie night has been wrecked by the volume being set to 21, sources have revealed. Emma Bernard, 38, had been looking forward to a classic movie marathon with friends, but found herself unable to enjoy the evening after someone (Becky) incorrectly set...
Autistic Goldilocks rejects bears’ porridge due to needing very particular spoon
An autistic woman has declined three bowls of porridge belonging to three bears due to requiring a specific spoon to eat them with, it has been reported. The woman, 21, a petty criminal from Sherwood, known only by her gang nickname, Goldilocks, allegedly snuck in...
Autistic woman hides crush by just being weird with everybody
An autistic woman has identified a foolproof way of obscuring her romantic feelings – by ensuring every encounter is as sufficiently weird as the last one. And according to Paige Thomas, 29, from Stockport – she’s never even had to try. “I just behave strangely...
“I’m just going to veg out on my sofa today” says autistic man who just vegges out on sofa every day
An autistic man who announced plans to “have a chilled one on the couch today” neglected to mention that he has a chilled one on the couch every day, it has been rumoured. Dexter Livingstone, 37, claimed that he needed the rest after a long...
Autistic woman to apologise for apologising until she runs out of oxygen
Concerns are growing for an autistic woman’s oxygen supplies as she enters a third day of her perpetual apology loop, emergency services have said. Beth Hapworth, 21, initially apologised to girlfriend Emma Bernard, 23, for Bernard’s period pains. On being told “you don’t need to...
Organised! Woman already in touch with therapist after family Christmas
An autistic woman has already contacted her therapist to arrange a session after spending Christmas in her childhood home, reports have indicated. Miya Wilkes, 29, made the decision to return to her hometown of Runcorn during the festive period, in the vague hope that it...
