Weird! Autistic woman’s pattern spotting fails to detect shit boyfriend
An autistic woman who can predict complex sociological behaviours based on historical patterns is mysteriously unable to turn this ability on her boyfriend. Paige Thomas, 28, can analyse large amounts of data to perfectly predict wars, elections and winners of Strictly. Yet despite boyfriend Dexter…
Woman comes out as autistic by going back inside
A woman has revealed to family and friends that she’s autistic – right before turning round to go back home. Krista Shure, 26, from Dingle, made the announcement on the driveway of the family home. According to sources, Shure could be heard returning indoors following...
Hats off! Workplace officially recognised as autism unfriendly
A company has won a prestigious award for being completely inaccessible to autistic people. “I was blown away by the glaring lighting and below average chatter,” said chief executive Gavin Monks, 39, who presented the certificate during a ceremony. “Along with the overly elaborate processes...
Autistic friendship basically if your therapist had no boundaries
A friendship between two autistic women has been described as “basically really amazing therapy but without the pesky boundaries,” sources have revealed. Paige Thomas, 27 and Beth Hapworth, 36, have been close friends ever since they hit it off in a Facebook group for autistic...
Woman hides crush by just being weird with everybody
An autistic woman has identified a foolproof way of obscuring her romantic feelings – by ensuring every encounter is as sufficiently weird as the last one. And according to Paige Thomas, 29, from Stockport – she’s never even had to try. “I just behave strangely...
Man upset to discover manic pixie dream girl just regular autistic woman
A man who thought his quirky girlfriend would magically fix all his debilitating personal issues has been left “hurt and disappointed” after she transpired to be an ordinary autistic woman, it has been rumoured. Robert Noot, 29, was first attracted to Kelsey Dacey, 26, due...
Autism researchers to begin simply peering through people’s windows
Autism researchers have decided to drop any pretence of adhering to scientific or ethical methodology and are to begin simply peering through autistic people’s windows, it has been revealed. Project leader Dr. Karen Hoyland PhD said: “There is only so much we’ve been able to...
Autistic woman “expert” at reading potato smiley faces
Despite finding it difficult to read the room at times, an autistic woman has found her niche interpreting oven potato smilies, reports have indicated. Paige Thomas, 24, from Barnsley, subsists almost entirely on a diet of potato-based frozen foods – and endeavours to understand each...
Autistic woman proud of massive poo
An autistic woman is celebrating Autistic Pride Day by telling everyone who’ll listen about this morning’s giant dump, it has been rumoured. Paige Thomas, 29, said: “It’s been a bit of a rubbish year and I was worried I wouldn’t have anything to shout about...
Autistic child’s career prospects “greatly improved” by parents posting meltdowns online
An autistic child has issued a statement thanking his parents for increasing his future employment prospects by constantly posting videos of his most vulnerable and private moments on the Internet. Finley Rice, seven, said: “My parents have been working tirelessly to build me a brand...
Father’s Day gift excited to start new life in drawer
A Father’s Day present is eager to begin a new chapter in an autistic dad’s bedside drawer, according to reports. A wooden glasses stand shaped like a nose has been the latest to join forgotten presents from previous years – including toenail clippers, a Richard...
Autistic woman reveals late dungaree diagnosis
A well-known autistic influencer has received an adult Dungaree diagnosis, she shared in a moving instagram post. Kelsey Dacey, 23, from Somewhere Down South, was diagnosed with autism two years ago – but insists this latest realisation was even more life changing. “I mean, I...
New diagnostic test to determine if you’re enough like autistic nephew
Scientists have announced that a brand-new autism scale will measure if patients are enough like this random woman’s nephew with autism. The new criteria will determine if patients sufficiently resemble six-year-old Finley Rice from Kent, who loves monster trucks and fart jokes. His aunt, Dr....
