An autistic woman who has never once enjoyed any form of noisy, crowded nightlife sincerely believes – for some reason – that she might like it this time, it has been rumoured. 

Ima Onwugbenu, 22, who likes peace, quiet and solitude, has reportedly inexplicably convinced herself that on this occasion, she will enjoy cramming herself into a sticky box full of sweaty humans and thumping music, to which she will move her body in an approximation of human dancing. 

Onwugbenu said: “Large groups make me panicky, I have severe noise sensitivity and flashing lights make me feel like I’m caught in the middle of a fight between mythological gods. But maybe this time it’ll be fun?”

“Also drinking makes me completely paranoid, I’m so dyspraxic that I probably shouldn’t dance without some sort of soft landing and last time I went out, I spent the entire time rocking in the corner with my fingers in my ears – but maybe I haven’t given it enough of a chance.”

“People keep telling me how fun it is,” she added. “So clearly the last 785 times I loathed every second of it like it was my own personal Hades, I was wrong.”

Onwugbenu was last seen attempting to psych herself up for her big night out with some Mozart and a nice cup of chamomile tea.

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