After living unobtrusively in your hallway for the past six years, your mirror has been getting more and more furious at your inability to do anything right with your stupid face. Today, the mirror finally cracked and decided to stage an intervention, it has been revealed.
“Somebody has to tell you!” it exclaimed. “Whenever anything happens in your life, no matter what it is, your face does the same thing: confusion and annoyance. You look like a gerbil who’s trying to solve a quadratic equation.”
“When I took this gig as a sentient mirror, I imagined a gothic castle with singing friends, or a really vain queen who kept asking me how fit she is,” it grumbled. “Not you sat alone in your flat, watching Bake Off, and frowning so much that your eyebrows look like two caterpillars gearing up for hand-to-hand combat.”
“The real kicker was when your partner proposed,” the mirror added. “You looked at her with less enthusiasm than you did the panini you’d eaten for lunch. And, in case you didn’t know: when you said ‘yes’, you definitely shouldn’t have given her a double thumbs up. Dickhead.”
Your mirror had to stop its diatribe at this point, as it was interrupted by the rest of your sentient belongings: your carpets were furious that you’d just spilled coffee on them (again), and your stairs were eager to share that you have the lolloping gait of a haunted string puppet.
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