Streeting nervously twirling telephone cord hoping RFK Jr will finally return his calls
Wes Streeting is currently waiting by the phone hoping fellow health secretary Robert Francis Kennedy Jr has finally noticed what a special little evil boy he is, according to political sources. Streeting, whose Wikipedia page falsely asserts he was born “in 1983” instead of “yesterday”,...
Period surprises autistic woman for 167th time in a row
The world’s most regular period has maliciously snuck up on an autistic woman with absolutely no warning for the 167th month in a row, sources have claimed. Sabeen Bhatt, 26, has been feeling bloated, cranky and inexplicably miserable over the course of the last week,...
Autistic man needs to be right in ways that matter least
An autistic man desperately needs to be factually correct about things nobody else gives a shit about, his loved ones have reported. Ben Espenson, 38, reportedly has the option to simply let small things go, but instead chooses to insist he’s right about inane nonsense...
Dyspraxic autistic woman visiting your home totally meant to walk into the airing cupboard
A dyspraxic autistic woman has confirmed that she absolutely, definitely intended to make a quick trip to your airing cupboard instead of the upstairs loo, eyewitnesses have said. Alma Montague, 41, who has visited your home no fewer than seven times now, finished her second...
Study finds touch “tolerable” under highly specific conditions
Being touched can, in very specific circumstances and with sufficient levels of mitigating factors, be a bearable activity between consenting adults, a groundbreaking new study has revealed. The team of autistic researchers at the Institute for Tolerable Contact conducting the study, reportedly undertook various experiments...
Autistic woman can have work or dignity but not both
An autistic woman whose government is desperate for her to experience the “dignity of work” cannot experience “dignity” and “work” at the same time, it has been claimed. Megan Aldrich, 30, works full time in an attempt to avoid starving to death, but is forced...
Autistic woman only good at body language when she’s talking to cats
An autistic woman whose resting body language says “any second I will snap and rain down fire and brimstone upon you” reportedly has no such issues when it comes to unspoken communication with cats. Alma Montague, 34, who routinely keeps her arms folded tightly over...
Autistic woman left at the altar just glad she’s got the afternoon free now
An autistic woman who has been left at the altar at her wedding is quietly relieved to have the time back, according to witnesses. Talia Cohen, 34, was jilted by her husband-to-be Gavin Monks, 34, after he revealed he had been having second thoughts. Cohen...
Mirror wishes it could give you tips on facial expressions
After living unobtrusively in your hallway for the past six years, your mirror has been getting more and more furious at your inability to do anything right with your stupid face. Today, the mirror finally cracked and decided to stage an intervention, it has been...
Uncanny! Autistic woman at every café somehow always seated under speaker
An autistic woman has reported a perplexing phenomenon whereby, regardless of venue or cuisine, upon entering a café and waiting to be seated she will always be led to the table closest to amplified sound. Paige Thomas, 28, reportedly initially put this down to coincidence,...
