“Do it your fucking self!” Autistic woman fired by kitchen fitters for micromanaging the living shit out of them
In an entirely precedented turn of events, an autistic woman has been fired by a kitchen company after she tried to fit the kitchen herself. Paige Thomas, 42, hired Kitchens Kitchens More Kitchens to design and fit her kitchen, which she then failed to allow...
Wow! Autistic woman hears existential howl of meaningless universe
An autistic woman’s senses are so finely attuned that she can not only hear the buzzing of electricity in the walls, but also the perpetual background-level shriek of despair emitted by the never-ending soul-sucking void that is our universe, it has been confirmed. Paula Mulberry,...
Autistic woman stabs herself with pitchfork after being recommended Dog in the Night-Time book again
An autistic woman has been critically injured after stabbing herself with a garden fork last week, following yet another recommendation that she “give that mysterious dog book a go,” it has been reported. Kelsey Dacey, 34, from Warrington, was only diagnosed 11 weeks ago –...
Heartbreak! Autistic woman unsure how to tell special interest she’s fallen out of love with it
An autistic woman is just going through the motions with her special interest because she doesn’t have the heart to tell it the spark is gone, sources have confirmed. Freya Emerson, 30, and her long-term hyperfixation, dinosaurs, 225 million, have reportedly been growing apart lately,...
Woman experiences epiphany after man says she doesn’t look autistic
Despite waiting years to be formally diagnosed, an autistic woman found herself unexpectedly enlightened yesterday, sources have confirmed. Emma Bernard, 29, had her world changed forever at her Great Uncle’s 70th bash when, whilst retrieving a sausage roll, a man told her that she really...
Woman accused of making neurotype that explains everything she’s ever done her whole personality
A woman has bored her family and friends to tears after “making autism her entire personality.” Beth Haworth, 29, from Chester, was diagnosed six months ago – and hasn’t stopped obsessively researching her neurotype on the Internet since. “It makes sense of practically all the...
Autistic woman in hiding after friend calls for chat without providing agenda for conversation
An autistic woman has been reported missing after a friend phoned her “for no particular reason”, it has been reported. Avery Mann, 32, received the phone call from friend Freya Emerson, 29, at 4.53pm last Saturday for a “catch up” with no clear purpose that...
Psychic! Neurotypical workplace trainer explains what it’s like to have autism
A non-autistic workplace trainer has really made colleagues think after delivering a presentation explaining exactly what it’s like to “have autism,” sources have revealed. Graeme Hart, 42, was hired by an unnamed Fortune 500 company as part of their Neurodiversity Celebration Week – a brief...
Wholesome! This autistic woman LOVES lining up her dildos
An autistic woman has warmed the hearts of onlookers by still lining up her sex toys at the age of 27, her parents have confirmed. Beth Hapworth’s 14 vibrators live side by side in her bedside table drawer and are regularly re-ordered in pleasing formations...
NHS to outsource autism diagnosis waiting list to school bullies
The NHS is due to tackle autism assessment waiting lists by outsourcing some of the backlog to Becky and Olivia from Year Seven, it has been announced. Consultant psychiatrist, Karen Hoyland, 47, said: “Our team of qualified specialists needs several sessions with patients, as well...
