Autistic woman owns three wearable outfits and 50 pipe-dreams
An autistic woman’s wardrobe consists of three things she can wear and about 50 she can’t, sources have said. Sabheen Bhatt, 25, describes herself as a “shoptimist” with a penchant for itchy jumpers, trousers that are impossible to eat in, and dresses that could only...
Autistic fantasy world definitely better than anywhere you’re going on holiday
Spending time in a fantasy world through a lovely daydream is guaranteed to be more enjoyable than any skiing trip to the Alps or fortnight in the Seychelles, it has been revealed. Lloyd Didcot, 47, a spokesperson for the UK Tourism Board, said: “We’ve known...
Huh. Woman does look kinda autistic actually
A woman actually does look pretty autistic, to be honest, according to eyewitnesses. Natasha Weaving, 27, who has been told by ignorant bystanders that she “doesn’t look autistic”, genuinely could not look more autistic if she tried. Fellow autistic woman, Niamh Callaghan, 35, commented: “How...
Autistic woman without defined aesthetic “basically worthless” says Internet
An autistic woman who is neither conventionally hot nor fashionable has been deemed worthless by social media, sources have said. Ffiona Maw, 25, enjoys posting unedited photos of her day-to-day life online, but has recently been informed by her followers that autistic women are not...
Autism support group revealed to be front for underground D&D ring
A support group for autistic people has revealed itself to be nothing more than a front for a sickening underground Dungeons and Dragons ring, it has been reported. A local chapter of the ‘Little Buddies Network’, an initiative designed to bring autistic people together to...
Autistic woman’s idea of self-care akin to that of depraved Roman emperor
An autistic woman’s idea of self care is virtually indistinguishable from that of a morally bankrupt Roman emperor, sources have claimed. Lottie Fitzgerald, 36, deals with the stresses of everyday life by plotting against family members (blocking her mum on WhatsApp), indulging in raucous bacchanals...
Autistic woman’s one-step skincare routine is better than nothing, she guesses
An autistic woman’s one-step skincare routine is reportedly better than a no-step skincare routine – probably. 37-year-old Emma Bernard used to make the effort to cleanse, tone and moisturise twice a day – but then they changed what you’re supposed to do to include all...
Autistic woman deceived by false promise of quiet train carriage
An autistic woman has been left devastated to discover that “quiet carriage” signs on trains are essentially meaningless, according to reports. Megan Aldrich, 34, booked a seat in the quiet carriage for her morning commute in the hope of preventing a severe case of sensory...
Autistic woman attempts to move in to cat café
An autistic woman has been apprehended by staff at a cat café after attempting to live there permanently, sources have claimed. Megan Aldrich, 30, arrived at Purrfect Paradise in Basingstoke with four large suitcases and 17 houseplants. In an effort to blend in with the...
Autistic woman suspects baby didn’t actually write in her birthday card
An autistic woman has begun to question whether her eight-month-old nephew actually wrote a message in her birthday card, it has been reported. The message addressed to Karen Hoyland, 25, reads, “Happy birthday Aunty Karen! Lots of love from Finley”. Despite his father’s insistence, Hoyland...
