Mirror wishes it could give you tips on facial expressions
After living unobtrusively in your hallway for the past six years, your mirror has been getting more and more furious at your inability to do anything right with your stupid face. Today, the mirror finally cracked and decided to stage an intervention, it has been...
Optimist! Maybe autistic woman will enjoy clubbing this time
An autistic woman who has never once enjoyed any form of noisy, crowded nightlife sincerely believes – for some reason – that she might like it this time, it has been rumoured. Ima Onwugbenu, 22, who likes peace, quiet and solitude, has reportedly inexplicably convinced...
Autistic woman delighted to discover feigning period still gets her out of sports
An autistic woman has discovered that faking your period to get out of sports still works years after secondary school, according to sources. Ima Onwugbenu, 39, was recently invited to play squash by her work colleague, 35-year-old Ryan Wilkins. Worried she’d be talked into it,...
All shoes and socks entirely bad and bare feet also not great, study confirms
Researchers have confirmed long-held suspicions that there are no good footwear options and that having feet in general is just not ideal, a new study has revealed. The study surveyed all known garments and items that can be used to cover one’s feet, concluding that...
Casually dressed autistic woman not sure why everyone’s complimenting her on her Halloween costume
An autistic woman wearing her usual everyday clothes cannot understand why everyone thinks she’s wearing a Halloween costume, according to sources. Emma Bernard, 35, left the house in what she thought was normal seasonal attire, but everyone she has encountered so far has praised her...
Exposed! Autism satire site’s “merch” actually cunning plan to turn fans into human billboards
A satire website by and for autistic people has launched a new line of merchandise, revealed to be an elaborate scam to enlist fans to unwittingly act as human advertisements and pay for the privilege. An exposé of The Daily Tism by The Daily Tism...
Autistic man only comfortable dressed in ritually hollowed-out bear
An autistic man stuffed into a bear’s body as a human sacrifice is reportedly relieved at finally having found something comfortable to wear. Christian Wheatley, 25, has already been subjected to several eye-opening experiences at the rural Swedish midsummer festival he is attending with his...
Brace! Plane crash actually less scary than nine hours in airborne tin of human sardines
An autistic person’s fear of flying has been misinterpreted as a fear of crashing, when in fact they had begun to feel that plummeting to almost certain death might be a blessed relief, sources have revealed. When Alix Gardner, 44, was seen crouched beside the...
Autistic woman owns three wearable outfits and 50 pipe-dreams
An autistic woman’s wardrobe consists of three things she can wear and about 50 she can’t, sources have said. Sabheen Bhatt, 25, describes herself as a “shoptimist” with a penchant for itchy jumpers, trousers that are impossible to eat in, and dresses that could only...
Autistic fantasy world definitely better than anywhere you’re going on holiday
Spending time in a fantasy world through a lovely daydream is guaranteed to be more enjoyable than any skiing trip to the Alps or fortnight in the Seychelles, it has been revealed. Lloyd Didcot, 47, a spokesperson for the UK Tourism Board, said: “We’ve known...
